Wednesday, March 18, 2015

You Shouldn't Do That

Let me tell you, dating is tiring.  After the 10th first date, it tends to lose it's magic (10 is not statistically accurate, but sharing about yourself and forcing yourself to be interested in someone else gets old fast).  Some people like to tell me I'm too picky, but I'm sure if they perused through my options on OKCupid, they would tell me I would be settling with any of them.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When this week is over, I'll have had some 4 first dates (I think for the month, it'll end up being somewhere around 10?).  You can't say I'm not trying.  And when you add to that "it's better to give someone a chance and not decide too quickly", second dates pile on top and you find you have no time for the gym, friends, or cleaning your apartment.  So yes, I am tired.  Tired of feeling like this takes so much work, tired of the advice, tired of feeling alone, tired of going out there and doing things so I am not accused of "not living my life waiting to meet someone".

Let me tell you, after the millionth time you've sat alone at a cafe, restaurant, bar, concert, park, museum, etc, you do get tired of your own company and feel rather lonely.  And I don't think I could really ever be accused of not trying living my life on my own (I mean most people assume I would be miserable having a relationship because then I couldn't do all the things I do.  Umm, I am choosing to live my life this way, because I don't want to sit around waiting, not because this was the end goal!).

I feel like I'm a parent trying to keep their kid occupied during summer break.  And you say "why don't you just relax at home more" - oh great, yeah, I'm sure Mr. Anybody is hiding out under my bed and I never noticed him before (CREEPER!)!  And yes, I know it's good to try dating and then to pull back, but you have to give it some time to start up before you give up and pull back to not dating (does that make any sense?).

And of course, when you confess this to friends, they tell you "You shouldn't feel that way", "You shouldn't do so much", "You shouldn't try so hard", "You should do more of what you want", "You should you should you should".  It makes me want to scream!  Can we all decide that use of the word should is completely inappropriate?  Who are we to tell someone what they should or should not feel/do/think/act? "There is only feel and do, there is no should." (D.R.)  Telling someone what they should do to get a date or be happy is rude.  It implies they haven't thought of or aren't logical enough to "understand the real situation".  It devalues their feelings and thoughts.  It is just rude.  If I tell you, "I feel rejected because so and so never called", how is telling me "I shouldn't feel that way" helpful?  It's okay to let your friends feel a certain way, and just acknowledging that yes, not hearing from someone sucks.  End of story.

We feel and think and act how we feel, and yes, sometimes I am so frustrated by this whole process I am illogical.  But trust me, I am completely aware of the logic side of the puzzle (umm, have you met me, I'm a pretty damn logical person), but logic doesn't always matter when it comes to feelings.  And my feelings lately are that this whole thing sucks.  So like my rant a few months ago about not assuming things about people, can we also decide that to acknowledge the way someone feels is a much nicer and caring response then trying to "fix" or "solve" them?

(This soapbox moment is another installment of "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears")

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Beware of Mexico...or don't

I have so many stories I want to tell, stories I want to remember, but the longer I wait and the older I get, the harder it gets to write them. I never did finish writing about all my European travels. I should have written them after each weekend, but alas, I didn’t.

Now, I just returned from Mexico City. Mexico - a place I have never really liked much (tbh). The Hispanic people living in Oregon always turned me off. The switch to Spanish in front of you and the way the men whistled or catcalled in such a derogatory fashion made me feel dirty. But really, it comes down to a general lack of understanding about their culture (on my part), which is vastly different (or at least perceived as different) from my own. Add to that the perception that certain foods and water were not to be consumed, the news of drug cartels, the issues with illegal immigration, and the stories of kidnappings …it never felt like a place I wanted to be.

Up until last year, the only experience I had was near the border doing ‘missionary’ work (building outhouses or bathrooms, hosting Bible schools). While that was a unique experience, I was young and extra naïve at the time. I think I was more interested in who I got to sit next to in the van on the rides there and back. Last fall, I had the opportunity (??) to go for work. Having spent so much time in Europe, I figured it would be good to meet colleagues in another place and expand my knowledge.

My experience in Monterrey was lackluster and awkward. It re-instilled in me the distaste for the machismo attitudes towards women. And the inability to get straight truth or answers out of people made me question how they could conduct business, with all that postulating and side-picking. Then there was the dog ridden neighborhood (we were told certain trucks would come through and remove the dogs…you can imagine how they were going about disposing of these poor animals), the smell of chemicals in the back of my throat, and the insane driving habits. I was ready to shake the Mexican dust off my feet and never return.

Yet work moves on, and there came the need to go back. Due to the creepy, inappropriate machismo-ism, I was not allowed (nor would I), go back to Monterrey. Instead, I was to accompany my colleagues to one of the largest cities in the world (per the metropolitan area there are some 21M people – almost 9M living in the city proper). Just about everyone and their mother balked at this idea – they all threw their concerns and questioned whether I should go. They asked whom I was going with, where I was staying, if we had bodyguards, and generally gave me no sense of comfort going to a country that already intimidated me.

After a couple searches on TripAdvisor, to reassure me that it was no more unsafe than any other major city.  I mean, I have been to NY, LA, Paris, London, Lima, Moscow – and never felt unsafe in any of those locales. So, I decided to fly in a day early and take a tour of some sites – namely the pyramids close to the city. Now, I truly hate tourists, both from living in a city that gets a decent amount of them to running into them while traveling and trying to stay as far away from them as possible. You know those large groups that allow you to see sites, but never experience or know a culture?  The ones that stand out and push past locals, stopping at asinine spots to take photos without care for who or what is around them. Then there is the loud entitled way they act!  And this is NO means limited to Americans, every time there is a large group of non-native people visiting a place, they seem to get lost in their own cultural bubble that does not allow them to merge with and see the place they are in.

 But I was scared of being alone in Mexico, so I did the unthinkable and signed up for a full 13-hour tour. I found a tour through UrbanAdventures via some comments on TripAdvisor, and boy am I glad I did! The morning half of the tour was myself, a Danish man, and the tour guide Eva. We walked, took a random taxi, and boarded the metro to visit three different Mexican markets. We stopped and got fresh tamales (like the locals), saw murals painted by students of Diego Rivera, and picked our way around dripping stomach linings. I also bravely tried Huitlacoche (don’t look it up, or do, it’s just fungus corn…tastes better than it looks), fermented pineapple juice, fresh tamarind, and cactus (fried it is not so slimy). We also saw the animals to be used for witchcraft, all sorts of dried spices, herbs, and flowers, and statues of Our Lady of Guadalupe (of course, mixed in with party gear and Disney's "Frozen" paraphernalia).

My first part of the tour ended, and the second part to go to Teotihuacan started. I was ‘warned’ of this next tour guide that he was eccentric and engaging (I’d also read about him online). The Dane left, and I was joined by 3 ladies from Texas/California. Luis definitely lived up to the hype! He, like Eva, was a local and familiar with the city. He was engaging, if a little spastic, but I do agree that he made the tour. We again took the metro out to a bus station that would then drop us off near the pyramids.  No touristy styled buses for us!
It was almost an hour and a half out there, but was worth the trek. Luis was informative, but not pushy about the information. Apparently, they know very little about the Teotihuacan civilization, as they have not found any writings. The Mayans found the pyramids later on, but they did not build them. They know the people there would powerful (as the settlement was set up near an obsidian mine, so they had sharp tools and weapons). And the “Sun” and “Moon” pyramids, as they are now known, were not their original names. The whole areas is built to be 5 degrees off of, and in line with, the North Star.  They also valued squares (as you can see from the pictures, everything is square).
After walking stairs, the 5 of us hoped in a small taxi to head to one of the three farms we were to visit – but first we stopped for pulque – an agave cactus fermented drink that was really quite tasty! We then visited an obsidian farm, a cactus farm, and finally ate at a local family’s house.
It was a long, but very fun day. And I’m really glad I did it. It helped put me at ease the rest of the week in the city, and provided new friends – as later in the week, I met up with Luis to experience the monthly ‘cultural’ night – where they play music in local museums.
I have also learned not to trust people who judge a place before they have been there; I was unduly worried as a result. I should trust my instincts and past knowledge, which is when you get down to it, all of us are the same. People are generally good, want to be liked, and are friendly to share their town/culture with someone new. I’m blessed to have been able to meet many different people from many different places. That knowledge is powerful and useful, I've found that judging others is never worthwhile or productive.

Work was…interesting, but not bad, and the office was in a nice area (for once). I don’t speak Spanish (sorry to my high school Spanish teachers!), but never felt like I couldn’t get by (my coworkers did some, and pointing and smiling always seems to work). The food was good (and cheap), and the days were warm and sunny (between 70-80). The difference between this trip and that couldn’t be more profound. While the traffic and smog sucked, the sudden wafts of sewer were ever present and unpredictable, there were a couple days of protests in the streets, and I ended up with a sour stomach by Saturday, I felt able to walk at night with my coworkers, or jump in taxis (or ubers!) when needed. I am really looking forward to another opportunity to go back, and hope that the experience is just as positive. Viva la Mexico!?!