Wednesday, March 18, 2015

You Shouldn't Do That

Let me tell you, dating is tiring.  After the 10th first date, it tends to lose it's magic (10 is not statistically accurate, but sharing about yourself and forcing yourself to be interested in someone else gets old fast).  Some people like to tell me I'm too picky, but I'm sure if they perused through my options on OKCupid, they would tell me I would be settling with any of them.  Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When this week is over, I'll have had some 4 first dates (I think for the month, it'll end up being somewhere around 10?).  You can't say I'm not trying.  And when you add to that "it's better to give someone a chance and not decide too quickly", second dates pile on top and you find you have no time for the gym, friends, or cleaning your apartment.  So yes, I am tired.  Tired of feeling like this takes so much work, tired of the advice, tired of feeling alone, tired of going out there and doing things so I am not accused of "not living my life waiting to meet someone".

Let me tell you, after the millionth time you've sat alone at a cafe, restaurant, bar, concert, park, museum, etc, you do get tired of your own company and feel rather lonely.  And I don't think I could really ever be accused of not trying living my life on my own (I mean most people assume I would be miserable having a relationship because then I couldn't do all the things I do.  Umm, I am choosing to live my life this way, because I don't want to sit around waiting, not because this was the end goal!).

I feel like I'm a parent trying to keep their kid occupied during summer break.  And you say "why don't you just relax at home more" - oh great, yeah, I'm sure Mr. Anybody is hiding out under my bed and I never noticed him before (CREEPER!)!  And yes, I know it's good to try dating and then to pull back, but you have to give it some time to start up before you give up and pull back to not dating (does that make any sense?).

And of course, when you confess this to friends, they tell you "You shouldn't feel that way", "You shouldn't do so much", "You shouldn't try so hard", "You should do more of what you want", "You should you should you should".  It makes me want to scream!  Can we all decide that use of the word should is completely inappropriate?  Who are we to tell someone what they should or should not feel/do/think/act? "There is only feel and do, there is no should." (D.R.)  Telling someone what they should do to get a date or be happy is rude.  It implies they haven't thought of or aren't logical enough to "understand the real situation".  It devalues their feelings and thoughts.  It is just rude.  If I tell you, "I feel rejected because so and so never called", how is telling me "I shouldn't feel that way" helpful?  It's okay to let your friends feel a certain way, and just acknowledging that yes, not hearing from someone sucks.  End of story.

We feel and think and act how we feel, and yes, sometimes I am so frustrated by this whole process I am illogical.  But trust me, I am completely aware of the logic side of the puzzle (umm, have you met me, I'm a pretty damn logical person), but logic doesn't always matter when it comes to feelings.  And my feelings lately are that this whole thing sucks.  So like my rant a few months ago about not assuming things about people, can we also decide that to acknowledge the way someone feels is a much nicer and caring response then trying to "fix" or "solve" them?

(This soapbox moment is another installment of "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears")