Sunday, May 25, 2014

What is there left to say?

For those of you who are close to me, you have been "fortunate" enough to hear my broken record playing over and over ... and over for the past year or so - I am sorry (and if I peruse some of my old entries, nothing has really changed from years back either).  Being alone has been really rough on me, both mentally and I'm sure physically as well, as I saw a chiropractor for about 5 months to work stress out of my shoulders and neck, and I was sick at least once a month in Holland.

I appreciate the advice and the shoulders to cry on, and I know how much support I have in my corner.  But at this point, I think I've heard most of the attempts at helping me understand and rationalize why my life is where it is, why it's really okay to feel sad, and that I should never settle just to be with someone.  I can't even trick myself into not looking so that I'll "get lucky" (as someone put it) and find "the one".  I don't even know what to tell myself anymore, other than that I am banned from drinking alone on an empty stomach...(SORRY MONA!)

I'm the first to know that nothing changes unless you do something differently, and while I feel like I'm always trying (trying to meet someone, trying to be happy with who I am, trying to be better), I never feel any different.  I'm told that it's nothing I'm doing wrong, but I can't help but think that I'm not doing something "right" either.  I've had brief reprieves where I *think* I've accepted where I am at... and then something hits me and I wonder if I really will be Crazy Aunt Jenny.  Mostly, I am just angry with myself for not being able to just be happy content.  Because at the heart of it, I have nothing to be upset about.  It's ok to not get married, there are thorns on those roses too.

I sometimes shock myself by thinking that I was living in Holland last year.  It's mind-boggling, how a year away can just become part of the background noise of my life.  Did I appreciate it enough?  Did I get enough out of it?  Did I learn or change?  I can say I think I'm a bit more of a loner, and I'm very acutely aware of how few close friends I have in Seattle.  And I'm now thinking that my being known at bars is more sad than cool...I feel like I'm starting over again .  Rebuilding, analyzing, and being far too introspective.  Hoping to not run into my ex or anyone he knows, because I don't want to hear about him and be asked "what about my relationship status" (yes, that happened...it sucked).

My New Year's resolutions were an attempt to shake up the system a little, to make the time for the things that make me happy, and do a little less of the unhealthy things.  I can't say I've been perfect at any of them.  And surprisingly, what I was worst at was April's attempt at going dancing.  But May seems to be a little easier with the bringing lunch to work (though I have been eating out, it's not on my dime... so I'm getting at the spirit of saving the money at least).  And I have learned that with golf lessons to NOT date the instructor :).  What I'm getting out of this experiment is that we never really change, and we easily fall back into our ruts.

All that to say, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for cutting out when I'm the only single person in a group of couples, I'm sorry for my bitter responses that can kill conversations, and I'm sorry that I can't seem to figure this part of life out.  I appreciate all the patience and love, and I just hope that sooner rather than later I can return to feeling happy and carefree about where I am in life.  I mean, the Sex and the City ladies didn't find their men until their mid-to-late 30s...right?