Friday, October 31, 2014

Failed MRS

If any of you know me, you know that I joke that I went to college for my MRS degree.  And I remember distinctly my senior year being told by some jerk in my accounting class, that "I guess you failed that one!"  Almost 10 years later, and I still have not accomplished that 'feat' and those words still sting.

Within the last 36-hours, I have had 3 people tell me that I am crazy (and not in a joking manner, but more towards the 'who I am' frame of reference), torn a pair of jeans in an uncomfortable and embarrassing way, and been told that I would be a horrible mother (was going to make the baby I was holding cry and that I looked awkward - from multiple people in front of a larger group of peers).  This Halloween has certainly been more of a trick than a treat.  I feel like I got salt poured, rubbed, scrubbed, and sanded into this gaping wound.  Because if you also know me, you would know that all I have ever wanted to be was a mother.  And like the rest of you, I just want someone to love and care for me.  To need me and for me to need them.  To not be alone, because man just cannot live...alone.

It never ceases to amaze me how mean people can be, and how self-absorbed and rude that comes across when they make assumptions about another person.  At what point has it been okay to wound someone, and then back-peddle saying 'we were only joking'.  I've been told that I should show people how I am hurt, to let them see the side of me that I keep hidden in an attempt to look/act/be what society says is 'normal'.  In doing so, I guess I become fake and then people don't know what could hurt, because I don't show that.

I live every day with this intense pressure that I am alone.  The fear that I won't be a good mother or ever get to be a mother.  That this is what my life will continue to be, a full one - but not a completely fulfilling one.  That there will always be that something I'm lacking and that bond with a person I won't have.  I just can't believe that this is my life, and that I must have made some wrong choice in my 'choose your own adventure' story - one that led far away from what I hoped for.  And honestly, that's probably what hurt the most is someone putting me in a box and attacking that hope.

This was a little raw, and a lot all over the place.  But this is me, this is what scares me more than anything else.  And I think better through written word.  So the next time you have an urge to make some 'funny' comment, think about the assumptions you are making about that person first.  And I'll do the same, plus allow myself to be hurt and let you know, because if I don't, I'm just keeping up the facade that reinforces your incorrect assumptions about who I am and what I want from life.