What is there left to say?

For those of you who are close to me, you have been "fortunate" enough to hear my broken record playing over and over ... and over for the past year or so - I am sorry (and if I peruse some of my old entries, nothing has really changed from years back either).  Being alone has been really rough on me, both mentally and I'm sure physically as well, as I saw a chiropractor for about 5 months to work stress out of my shoulders and neck, and I was sick at least once a month in Holland.

I appreciate the advice and the shoulders to cry on, and I know how much support I have in my corner.  But at this point, I think I've heard most of the attempts at helping me understand and rationalize why my life is where it is, why it's really okay to feel sad, and that I should never settle just to be with someone.  I can't even trick myself into not looking so that I'll "get lucky" (as someone put it) and find "the one".  I don't even know what to tell myself anymore, other than that I am banned from drinking alone on an empty stomach...(SORRY MONA!)

I'm the first to know that nothing changes unless you do something differently, and while I feel like I'm always trying (trying to meet someone, trying to be happy with who I am, trying to be better), I never feel any different.  I'm told that it's nothing I'm doing wrong, but I can't help but think that I'm not doing something "right" either.  I've had brief reprieves where I *think* I've accepted where I am at... and then something hits me and I wonder if I really will be Crazy Aunt Jenny.  Mostly, I am just angry with myself for not being able to just be happy content.  Because at the heart of it, I have nothing to be upset about.  It's ok to not get married, there are thorns on those roses too.

I sometimes shock myself by thinking that I was living in Holland last year.  It's mind-boggling, how a year away can just become part of the background noise of my life.  Did I appreciate it enough?  Did I get enough out of it?  Did I learn or change?  I can say I think I'm a bit more of a loner, and I'm very acutely aware of how few close friends I have in Seattle.  And I'm now thinking that my being known at bars is more sad than cool...I feel like I'm starting over again .  Rebuilding, analyzing, and being far too introspective.  Hoping to not run into my ex or anyone he knows, because I don't want to hear about him and be asked "what about my relationship status is" (yes, that happened...it sucked).

My New Year's resolutions were an attempt to shake up the system a little, to make the time for the things that make me happy, and do a little less of the unhealthy things.  I can't say I've been perfect at any of them.  And surprisingly, what I was worst at was April's attempt at going dancing.  But May seems to be a little easier with the bringing lunch to work (though I have been eating out, it's not on my dime... so I'm getting at the spirit of saving the money at least).  And I have learned that with golf lessons to NOT date the instructor :).  What I'm getting out of this experiment is that we never really change, and we easily fall back into our ruts.

All that to say, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for cutting out when I'm the only single person in a group of couples, I'm sorry for my bitter responses that can kill conversations, and I'm sorry that I can't seem to figure this part of life out.  I appreciate all the patience and love, and I just hope that sooner rather than later I can return to feeling happy and carefree about where I am in life.  I mean, the Sex and the City ladies didn't find their men until their mid-to-late 30s...right?

Last Days...

Greetings from Holland

Do you ever realize how fast time flies?  Well 6 months living in Rotterdam flew.  Of course, it may have been due to all the traveling I squeezed in there or that 6 months is not enough time to get established, or scratch that, you JUST get established to leave. :(

If I had it all to do over again, I would have not traveled the last month I was in the country, I wanted to spend more time with the friend's I made and see the people in the office who so openly accepted me, and knowing some I may never see again.  I don't know the frequency I'll get back, as there are so many places in the world left to see and so few vacation days...but knowing me, I'll make the time - but likely never 6 months again...

The daily walk to work

My last week back in Rotterdam (between the UK and then a week in Belgium for one final audit) was a
quick one, I finally received my permanent resident visa.  Yeah, great timing, right before I left.  See the US isn't the only nutso one.  I tried to soak in every step of the walk I took to and from work every day, have drinks with people, pack up all my sh*t, and transport at least 1 load up to Amsterdam to wait for me to leave leave (see I'd planned
to move out of my apartment on the 29th of September...and leave my excess bags at my friend's in Amsterdam while I was in Belgium, and then in Italy).  I got to see a friend who was traveling to Europe right before he moved to NYC.  And of course, I had a night out with "my" boys at "my" bar.
Just a few pics to show the final moments in Rotterdam...

The naked statue outside work...

Holland - where you can order Dominoes, a beer, and Poffertjes

One last sunny day in Amsterdam...

Oh the rain...and WIND

My office mates - Menno and Xavi

One of my adorable Cafe Pol bartenders

Blogs Percolating

Goodness, I'm behind as always - and even with my writing goal for this month, I've seriously been procrastinating.  I've got multiple blogs in the percolator, and better get to them before the my life hits me with more adventures.

Here's a look at what's to come (click a picture to go to the post):

The year I will turn 32...

I remember when I was younger and my parents always talked about "how fast the year goes".  I guess I'm getting old too because the years are going at light speed (or is it the speed of light?).  And as I always seem to do, I think again about my new years goals and resolutions (I know, you're thinking, why don't you resolve to finish your blog??).

But I've realized at this point in life I'm not really going to change.  I want to be a better version of myself, but I know me, I get side tracked pretty easy.  I could say I'd resolve to be less busy, but that really isn't me, I'm a busy person and I'm happy with that.  And I could resolve to work out more, eat better, spend less... but those are so ambiguous and let's be honest, I'll do it for a month like everyone else and then it will f...a.....d........e.

So instead, I've decided to make monthly resolutions.  I figure I can put in the effort and focus for a month at least.  And who knows, after a month, maybe something will stick?

Without further ado... here they are, so the internets can keep me honest (or at least when I look back next year I'll remember what I didn't do :-) ).

January - Go to yoga 2 times per week (already off to a good start, went tonight ;))
February - Write for 2 hours a week (and thus finish my European adventures...) - and this should be made easier, since I plan on giving up TV for lent.
March - Finish all the books I have started, but left by the wayside.  And then donate said books, because obviously, they weren't my favorites.

• Anna Karenina (I've been reading this since 2003)
• Buried in the Sky
• Bite Me
• The Bourne Identity
• Unfamiliar Fishes

April - Go swing dancing 1 time per week
May - Take lunch to work 4 days per week
June - Take golf lessons - and go hit balls 1 time per week
July - Take a painting class or 2

August - Buy no non-essentials (and for the purpose of this exercise, that includes clothes :))

September - Volunteer 4 times

October - Go running 3 times per week for 45 min

November - Learn to cross-country ski

December -  Trust me, these seem easy, but seriously, I never do them!!

1. See the Christmas ships
2. Be done with shopping by Dec 13
3. Be done decorating by Dec 6
4. Mail Christmas cards
5. Make Christmas cookies

Don't worry, I put all of these on flash cards for my fridge.  And of course, because I'm a lefty I have marker smudges all over my hands and the cards :).  What about you, did YOU make any fun or unusual resolutions this year??

Happy 2014 Y'all!

Back to the U of K

See the clock tower is pretty in Bradford

Some of my last days being European were spent being "non-European" in the UK.  It's amazing what a big difference a little channel can make in defining a people.  The British are uniquely their own, and there are so many similarities between them and us, that I realize this really was where our foundation came from.  Of course, we've become a lot more politically correct/sensitive, generally our worldviews and style of business is more the same (especially compared to other countries in Europe).  And they are also the reason we're using a non-metric system :-).

My company's office is up north in West Yorkshire county, in a lovely town called Bradford.  Now Bradford is a unique and sad place.  It used to be a prosperous, textile city.  It has some really nice old buildings, and if the industry hadn't fallen drastically, perhaps people wouldn't be so down on it.  It's the best place to find Indian food, and is extremely multi-cultural.  That said, there are a lot of boarded up old pubs and shops, and in their place are "to let", pawn shops, or "Asian" fabric stores (I say that because that's what the British call people from India, yes I know, it's technically true - it just always throws me off a bit).  If you ever find yourself up north (about 3 hours by train north of London), try Leeds or York (which I've heard is really nice).  You won't feel so sad with the depressed run-down feel of Bradford.


Since I was going to be in the town for 2 weeks (yay?), on the weekend, I got to meet up with my bestie in Manchester.  A great young, hip town.  We happened to be there the weekend Manchester United was playing, but her risking her boyfriend over us going wasn't worth it (he's a Liverpool fan).  We did venture out that way to buy scarves for friends at least.

It was a fun weekend away.  On Friday night I had a date (remember me meeting people in Ostrava?) Yup, we made plans to go for dinner.  He took me to a really cool old bank converted to a restaurant, called Jamie's Italian - yes, more chainy than I normally like, but the atmosphere made up for it.  The next day, Hillary and I watched some football, went to Old Trafford stadium, and had a fantastic tapas dinner, at a place called La Vina.  That night, we had tickets to go to a reading, "There Has Possibly Been an Incident" - performed by 3 people at The Royal Exchange Theatre.  It was a really enjoyable, thought-provoking show.  Later we found some great local bars the Long Bar and the Oast House.

The next day, we had a lazy breakfast and walked around in a few shops before we parted ways - her south and me north.

It was a fun 2 weeks, and even better to get some bestie time in there, but it also meant my time in Europe was fast coming to an end.

A couple other places I ate which are worth mentioning:
The 3 Acres (near Huddersfield) - a great classic, upscale pub
The Alchemist (which has 2 locations in Manchester and 1 in Leeds) - a bar that has more flair than a typical speakeasy, but more inventive drinks than a normal bar.  Food was pretty good as well.
Red's True BBQ (in Leeds) - probably as close to American style BBQ that I've had in Europe, if you're jonesin' for America, it's worth a stop.  Service was ridiculously slow though - and the UK is typically better than the rest of the continent.