Failed MRS

If any of you know me, you know that I joke that I went to college for my MRS degree.  And I remember distinctly my senior year being told by some jerk in my accounting class, that "I guess you failed that one!"  Almost 10 years later, and I still have not accomplished that 'feat' and those words still sting.

Within the last 36-hours, I have had 3 people tell me that I am crazy (and not in a joking manner, but more towards the 'who I am' frame of reference), torn a pair of jeans in an uncomfortable and embarrassing way, and been told that I would be a horrible mother (was going to make the baby I was holding cry and that I looked awkward - from multiple people in front of a larger group of peers).  This Halloween has certainly been more of a trick than a treat.  I feel like I got salt poured, rubbed, scrubbed, and sanded into this gaping wound.  Because if you also know me, you would know that all I have ever wanted to be was a mother.  And like the rest of you, I just want someone to love and care for me.  To need me and for me to need them.  To not be alone, because man just cannot live...alone.

It never ceases to amaze me how mean people can be, and how self-absorbed and rude that comes across when they make assumptions about another person.  At what point has it been okay to wound someone, and then back-peddle saying 'we were only joking'.  I've been told that I should show people how I am hurt, to let them see the side of me that I keep hidden in an attempt to look/act/be what society says is 'normal'.  In doing so, I guess I become fake and then people don't know what could hurt, because I don't show that.

I live every day with this intense pressure that I am alone.  The fear that I won't be a good mother or ever get to be a mother.  That this is what my life will continue to be, a full one - but not a completely fulfilling one.  That there will always be that something I'm lacking and that bond with a person I won't have.  I just can't believe that this is my life, and that I must have made some wrong choice in my 'choose your own adventure' story - one that led far away from what I hoped for.  And honestly, that's probably what hurt the most is someone putting me in a box and attacking that hope.

This was a little raw, and a lot all over the place.  But this is me, this is what scares me more than anything else.  And I think better through written word.  So the next time you have an urge to make some 'funny' comment, think about the assumptions you are making about that person first.  And I'll do the same, plus allow myself to be hurt and let you know, because if I don't, I'm just keeping up the facade that reinforces your incorrect assumptions about who I am and what I want from life.

Blogs Percolating

Goodness, I'm behind as always - and even with my writing goal for this month, I've seriously been procrastinating.  I've got multiple blogs in the percolator, and better get to them before the my life hits me with more adventures.

Here's a look at what's to come (click a picture to go to the post):

Choose Your Own Adventure...

Well, I successfully waited until I was here for 1 month before I started to travel, and feel like I did pretty well for the month of May.

I had 3 "adventures" in May, so I thought I'd let you decide what one you wanted to take part in.
So do you want to go:

On a jaunt to Belgium to taste a few beers

To the south of France to see a world of riches

To the Vaterland of Germany for a little music

Choose wisely, you may never be able to go back again... ;-)

It's Always Sunny in Deutschland

You decided to jump on the German bandwagon, huh?  Here is where that wagon leads.

Your trip to Germany starts well, you have a few hours on the train, a book in your ears and one in your hand.  Your travel takes you through the Netherlands across to Germany.  Unfortunately, no one stamps your passport. :( The announcement comes, last stop in Holland, and from then on, you feel at home.  Like you're in a place you know you belong.  Being the Germans that they are, your train is running early and has to actually stop for 30 min to get back on track.

On older guy starts talking to you in Dutch, of course you give a blank stare and say "I don't speak Dutch", so he switches to English.  He fills you in on what is going on, and says he is going to get coffee...you agree that's a good use of time and get off the train.  You chat amicably, and you think you hear him say "he is a model"... with that leathery skin and old face?!?  Coffee in Germany is half the cost, well, it ended up being free as he paid.  You stand outside and make small talk, and start to realize it is getting close to time.  As you turn to get on the train, the doors are shutting.  Oh shit.  The train people say they won't open again, and you have to run to the front of the cars.  You are regretting this silly conversation with this "male model" (he does show you pictures he has taken...I guess they do need someone to do the prune juice ads...?).

Thankfully you are able to board the train, much to the train staff's frustration for now making them 2 minutes late.  You're not keen on continuing to talk to this man, so you sit down and put your headphones in and your nose in your book.  But of course, some people never take hints and talk to you still...

He disembarks at the next stop, and you're glad to be rid of him.  The rest of the ride is pleasant, and you arrive safely in Osnabrück, Germany.  Being the navigator you are, you use your "super helpful Blackberry" to find your hotel...this is done by making a wide circle and basically ending up where you started.  The hotel faces the train station. :P

See the station through the window??

You check out the city on your handy map, and set off by foot, following the signs to the center.  You found a place that seemed decent for lunch, but you didn't realize that the geriatric committee was meeting there.  Never-mind, a good bowl of soup, a glass of wine, and a sandwich will make you happy.  It's raining a little, but nothing too imposing.

After your late lunch, you walk around a little more - find the 2 opposing churches - protestant vs catholic.  You also seek out the local brewery... what else is there to do, this isn't the most populous, touristic city.  You'd checked and the concert was at 7, so you have time - but you would be missing most of the German (Munich Bayern vs Dortmund game that ALL of Germany was watching).

You head back to the hotel to get ready, have dinner, and walk to the venue....only to find that, it was 8...great, lots of time to kill... Tweedledee.  You do spot your lover (Rocky), his tour manager, and the brother eating at a restaurant, but decide it's too creepy to go in there yourself.  So back to the hotel you head.

Locally brewed beer and very thick bread.

When you arrive again (you creepy person you), you learn, nope, the show doesn't start until 9....you stop for fried ice cream.  Good choice, by the way.  And by the time it's all said and done you can finally arrive at the concert at 9... when he won't even go on until 9:30...but you pass the time talking to the tour manager, who you'd met at the last show you went to (stalker).  

The fried ice cream

Klein Freiheit

Finally, Denison Witmer comes on, and as promised, his music is good, but his wit between songs better (he makes fun of the venue name - Klein Freiheit - which means little freedom, he jokes that us Americans are ambassodors of freedom to the Germans...).  You must have his cd, and tell him how much you like Philly.

Denison Witmer

The Man and his Brother

Finally, the moment has arrived, Rocky and Cody are playing.  You're a little unsure where to stand, the place isn't packed, but you don't want to push to the front and show everyone the creepy person that you are....but your spirit is lifted, and you know you made the right choice in coming here.  You even get a song that is dedicated to you (if some idiot could have stopped singing and swaying along, you could hear it...here's someone else's recording with an intro that may have fit why he dedicated it to you...).

 You are on cloud 9, and can't stop smiling.

After it is all over, you stick around and talk to the "band" a little, you point out that you and Cody have a mutual friend (acquaintance, whathaveyou), Rocky hugs you and thanks you for coming.  You couldn't have asked for a better evening.

You thought about grabbing a drink at the hotel bar, but not after the way those dudes in the corner were looking at you.  Instead, you make use of the bathtub (I mean comeon, they are few and far between in Europe!), and enjoy reading more of Ender's Game before drifting to sleep.  

Such a lonely statue

On Sunday, there isn't much open (ok, there really isn't ANYTHING open).  You dawdled getting ready and reading over breakfast at the hotel, and now, you're tired of walking... so you find a coffee shop to sit for a bit.  You've worn out this little town, and are ready to get back on the train.  

I should have zoomed in more - there is a "fire fighter" looking like Mannken Pis
(which you would know about if you went on a Brussels adventure)

The yellow flowers - Rapeseed - or as we know it "canola oil"

The train ride home is eventful, as you have a few hard stops and then have to get off and board another 2 car train to the next station, where you get off and have to change again...no matter, you're back in Holland and know your way now.  You congratulate yourself on choosing the right path and not being tempted by fame and fortune.  I hope you choose as well on your next adventure my friend!

This was taken in Holland,
but I wasn't going to make him pose again in Germany.

Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous

So you wanted riches, fame, and fortune?  Well, here is what you're getting...

You leave on a very rainy Friday from Rotterdam for the beaches of the French Riviera, you are accompanied by your fantastic new weekend bag.  You've got all your best sun clothes, and are ready to find a man.  Once in Nice, you catch the bus, and a Nice lady makes sure you get off at the right stop.  The air is clean and the night is clear.  You get to your room at the hostel, and quickly head out for some ice cream. It's a Nice night, and Nice to hear the ocean again.  And tomorrow... the long awaited - CANNES!

When you walk out the next morning, you find that it is raining cats and dogs, like torrential downpour, never going to let up raining. You did not pack for this, but really, it's not cold, you won't melt, and you buy an umbrella.  Flip flops may not be the best option, but it's better than ruining your cute leather boots (you only about lose your shoes in the rushing water like 3-4 times and only everyone looks at you like you're a freak).

In Cannes, it is a sea of umbrellas, if there did happen to be 1 celebrity out in that weather, it would be near impossible to see them.  You walk around, try to figure out where to go and what is open.  All the beach bars are closed, and you finally find a hotel bar that has people there.  It does... it is packed.  The bartenders are Nice (for the French), even if the wine is expensive - 9 Euros a pop...before leaving you find a place to sit and get a drink.  And there you met the cutest guy who is a producer.  He advises you to talk to people and invite yourself to join them.  He gives you his number to meet up later.

No outdoor movies :(

People were taking pictures of her, so I did too.
she looks like a pixie :) 

Before you go on, you decide to buy shoes....and some yellow jeans.  Once warmer, you head to the next hotel, where you talk to another producer, banker, and a lawyer (no, I'm not setting you up for a joke).  You're feeling more optimistic, find some dinner at an Italian restaurant (realize you gave someone the wrong number to meet up at 9, and aren't sure you can amuse yourself - or afford to drink until 12 when the late night parties start), so you acquiesce to the French guy who is nice and pays for your dinner.  You walk, he tries to talk (his English is no good), and he takes you to the casino.  He pays, and you hit it big on the slots (he loses on his machine).  You cash in the ticket, he plays (and loses) at roulette and you decide to play some blackjack...all in all, you end up ~400 in the black and he lets you keep it, but he's creepy - so you bail (you can apply for the alternate story via email if you wish). It's too late for the train, but you're too tired to be at a club until 5.  You share the cab with a couple people, and crash out.

On Sunday, you stop in Antibes on the way back to Cannes - you are determined to give it another shot.  You spend a while walking around, appreciating the scenery and the boats (e.g., floating mansions).  It's a lovely part of the day, reading in the sun and becoming dangerously too introspective for such a holiday.  You eventually head back to Cannes, and take it easy at the same bars.  You happen to run into the same lawyer from South Africa again, and tentatively make plans.  You realize you should have tried to make that work, but instead you had dinner with a relatively odd Serbian.  It was ok, but you are ready to head back to Nice.

 

Monday - you decide to go to another country.  You've had enough of France, and decide to try fantastic Monaco! The day is clear, and the ride is Nice.  The floating mansions are large, and they are setting up for the Grand Prix! Damn - you're transported back to high school with all the cool cars, and you even head to the Monte Carlo casino - at 25 a hand, you take a bit before you want to play (they are using 6 decks and continuously shuffling the used cards in the mix! Damn casino, you crazy!).  You do play, and get an enjoyable amount of time from it, plus, the bartender gives you a free glass of wine so you don't leave.  Too sweet (not the wine, the bartender).

 

You figure that the 3rd time is a charm, and head back to Cannes...it's a big premiere, and the atmosphere is electric waiting for the celebrities to arrive.  You're too short and don't get there soon enough, but the mood is much more enjoyable.  You never hear from the cute producer again, but you knew you wouldn't (I mean you DID click the link above and see how beautiful he was, right?).  You meet a nice director on the way back, and get a copy of his film... so I guess what you wanted was more about the movies and you did get an indie one for yourself, so that was kind of Nice.

Your last day in Nice is the Nicest.  You enjoy strawberries, and a walk to the top of the hill.  You (painfully) walk on the rocks to the ocean and dip your toes in the sea.

While your trip involved no fame, and only a small fortune, you come out having a had a lot of time to think.  You grew a little, but also felt sorry for yourself too much.  You die of an unused heart, and a wine soaked liver.

Beers.Brussels.Belgian Waffles

So you want to go to Brussels, huh? Well, like most of my adventures, you have a little rocky of a time getting there.  Your train from Rotterdam was cancelled, but luckily, you overhear a conversation to learn  how to get there via Antwerpen - albeit an hour later.  And despite not knowing which track line to take out of Antwerp, you make a train that does end up in Brussels!

Finally to your destination, with 30 min to spare, you found your hotel (right off the Grand Place).  It was definitely worth the visit.  Such a beautiful old square, even amidst all the tourists.  Luckily, you don't often stand out as a tourist, as you're good at being respectful when you stop to take pictures, and don't talk like a loud American (though you get a few strange looks while you talk to yourself).  You find yourself lucky to be part of the Aryan race that does not stand out in this part of Europe.

After a slight detour of the mind, you ironically find your tour starting point in front of the Tourist Information office! Your guide, Caesar, appears and you learn he hates people.  But not to fear, there were just a few bad TripAdvisor reviews, and he is actually a great guide.  Who is both entertaining and very knowledgeable about beer, politics, and the politics of beer.

You enjoy the small group of 8-9, and for once are not the only single girl on the tour!  There was another girl from Cali, who was living in Germany, and a girl from Jo-Burg.  It was nice to not get the "you're here all alone?" questions.

The "Brussels Beer Tour" started at an estaminet (a beer bar) from the 1695, where you picked your poison - light, amber, or dark.  You, of course, wanted to see what qualified as "dark".  There you sat for the next hour sipping the beers, learning about the beers and each other (sweet huh?).  You are warned of the DANGERS of Palm, and other pretend Trappist beers, and how to tell which ones were made by monks or not.

Since Belgian beer has a rather high alcohol content - I mean 4% in most Dutch beers will do... nothing to you, you left the bar with a nice little "beer head".  And on the walk to the distillery, learned from someone who read the TripAdvisor review that you should have eaten before the tour.  Yikes!  But the long walk to Cantillon (a 113 yr old brewery which "makes the most unusual, and arguably, best beer in the world - the Lambic) makes you feel more sober.

There you learned how beer was made in a more natural way, and how they let nature take it's coarse in the beer making process.  The building was old, with an innumerable amount of cobwebs (the spiders eat the cherry flies), and apparently a few cats to catch the mice.  The yeast process took place in a large, flat, open container, where the natural yeast in the air is allowed to mix with the beer.  Definitely not your 21st century sterile environment, and it seemed like it was the better way to go...

You get to sample 2 beers at Cantillon - the Lambaic (cask beer) and one of your choice (a hoppy, a cherry, or a classic champagne style), you wisely chose the champagne style - both were great, you're not sure you would want a whole glass of either, very unique things happen in the back of your mouth...

With more beer in your belly, and having pleasantly avoided the rain, you head back towards the center to a much newer establishment with 38 beers on tap (wow, that's a "lot" of beer :)).  The guide picked the first beer, and then you could pick your next one (you are happy to have so many choices to make on this adventure).  And you are rewarded with a chance to pad your stomach a little, definitely a bar worth going to!

Well after the 3.5-4 hrs as promised, you leave to meet up with an ex-Deloitte colleague.  So you bowed out of the conversation, and went off to enjoy some Belgian frites (with the classic GOBS of sauce on top and the little fork to eat with).  Megan took you to some fun places you would have never found, but you ended up being out until 3.. oops!

Luckily, there was nothing you had to do on Sunday and you slept in, and wandered... basically all over.

 Wasn't in the mood for any museums, so you just walked around the parks, the city, found Manneken Pis (which was not nearly as cool as Jeanneken Pis).


Then you found the mecca of beer buying, here you find the world's best beer, and the most expensive beer  (well at least in the states) - at Canon they have it for $99.  But in Belgium - it was only 12 euros for a bottle (technically, your beer guide told you they aren't supposed to re-sell it outside of the brewery - tsk tsk) - you shouldn't have bought it either...

If you chose this story for your adventure, you chose wrong, you made a bad decision to get off the train in Antwerp and get sucked into a stupid conversation with 5 boys all trying to talk to you at once, including one asking for a needle.  At least you died with your liver (almost) in tact.