Five months in, and I have resolved not to give up!

After my "rough month" of a no-alcohol January, February's no coffee was a breeze. I chose this partially to ensure I was not so used to coffee that I was going to get any caffeine headaches and partially to save a little cash. While I did go to coffee shops a couple times, I generally stuck to chai (though I ordered a hazelnut latte once, but quickly remembered my resolution and changed it in time). It was a little odd not to just go have coffee with a coworker as a break from work, but it didn't seem to matter all that much in the grand scheme.

And going into March, while I have gotten a few coffees, I don't actually pass any coffee shops on the way to work. I've fallen into a routine to get to work, and walk to the main building for drip coffee. It's a nice start to my mornings. It's also much cheaper. 

Actually my life has fallen into much more of a routine in Portland. I am feeling like more of a homebody. But my social life has blown up. (I know you're thinking that makes no sense) I always have a friend to see. Someone to meet for drinks. Have over to chat or watch a movie. It's wonderful. I never realized how isolated I had become in Seattle. How much I did alone. It's also more challenging keeping up and going deeper with my friends. Before we barely had time. Now we have all the time in the world. My support network, while always there, has turned into a thick net. Woven with strong cords. It's been wonderful. It also made March's resolution to not play mindlessly with my tablet easier. Though I did use it while I cooked a couple times! And it's also been the reason I've been writing less. I think there is something to creativity coming from pain or a low place, kind of like an outlet. And while I don't feel low now, I think the past 2 months have been a bit of a reprieve from the mental battle. I've been distracted from my singleness and replaced a man with a plethora of friends and settling into a new life. 

It's not time to start stressing. It's time to get back to work on me. To get back to my resolutions to improve me. To break bad habits and comfort routines (uhh can you say falling asleep to tv every night a bit of a crutch?!). To take better care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I did nothing for my April resolution.  And just looked at what it was and it wasn't what I thought. Dork! I thought it was no extra driving. It was no meat. Oops!! Well, let's pretend April and May are flip flopped. The no driving was based on a life that no longer exists. While I don't like to drive more than I have to, my options to drive less are different and I haven't figured them all out yet. There is no vanpool to ride. My commute is at least 10 miles less a day. So I'll move on to May. 

No meat, eh? Well I guess today was an inadvertent cheat, I had chicken and biscuits for breakfast and like the best duck confit poutine for lunch. As I'm writing this. I think I may have to shift. Not sure how easy Seoul will be with no Korean BBQ. And now that you've wandered down Natalie's crazy path with me. I'm switching to what June is. No tv. Gah! My crutch. F it. Can't push it off forever! Goodbye Netflix. Goodbye BBT. Goodbye Family Guy!  I hope my electric bill goes down at least... 

Sorry for the lapse in writing. Also, sorry for never saying goodbye Seattle. You were a great time and I wouldn't trade being with you for the world. I am now who I am because of my time there. I would never trade the close friends I made. The great work experiences I had (both good and bad) or all the growing up I did. I left a young silly girl and came back hopefully a more reasonable silly woman. ;-) I told you long ago, I was on #TeamEdward. Jacob was a fun time. It was time to go home. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, and you may think that most of the time you don't. I wrote a post long ago comparing PDX and SEA to Edward and Jacob (yes I am a big nerd). I decided to stay and play then. I've come back to me now. ). I have so many thoughts and feelings about the move, though the predominate one at this point is happiness! After SEVEN and a HALF YEARS, I am home. I survived having Oregon license plates for that time, and only a Washington ID for the past year or so. While it hasn't all been Roses in the Emerald City, it was been a good ride and I have no regrets. I know I am, I'm sure I am... a fan of my friends 

How Dry Am I?

How dry I am, how dry I am

It's plain to see just why I am

No alcohol in my highball

And that is why so dry I am

It has been 2 weeks into the new year, and I am having dreams about telling people I am not drinking and feeling pretty lame in my dreams. I am so dry, I wish I was a dry martini.

When I told a friend about my current year resolutions, he suggested I blog about how they went. It is t-minus 17 days until this month is over and I can drink again. Now you may be thinking, "Come on alchy, how hard is it not drink for 31 days!? AND you cheated 2 days, so really, you should be fine!"

I mean, the first few days were fine, but I was coming off of New Years Eve celebrations, went to movies which aren't necessarily drinking arenas. Generally last week was easy to say the least, I hunkered down and stayed home more. I am focusing on losing weight before my best friend's wedding, so I was at least doing a bit of a workout.

I'm in week 2 (and used up a cheat day last Saturday to taste wine - wait...if I only tasted it, did I drink??). I weighed myself last Saturday morning, no weight loss. I have felt no overall change in my energy, no decrease in any beer gut (I am not a huge beer drinker lately), nor have I saved money, I have seen no noticeable anything compared with all those other blogs claiming lots of health and mental benefits. Instead, I think my liver is bored. It has basically NOTHING to do now! I am worried it is withering away from lack of activity.

Though even if my liver isn't bored, I am. I feel very hermit-y, and while that is good for my pocketbook, I still have had other expenses (car, condo, health) that seem to be negating any savings I may be getting from alcohol, and I can't even drink my existing stash to comfort myself. It feels sinful to eat pasta without wine, to watch sports without a coldy, or to be out with friends and not imbibe. Plus, I'm having to push off or turn down invites until next month, I'm not seeing friends. And I keep having inklings to go try some new place for happy hour or sit with a mimosa on a relaxing morning.

I believe I will survive though, and maybe I'll finally feel some 'benefits'. I think I can, I think I can...

Update: Mid-way through the month, I did use my second cheat day... and after that bottle of wine and the resulting pain the day after, I was all gung-ho to make it through to the end. I can't say that I didn't think about cheating more through the end, particularly when my cousin was up. But I stuck to the mocktails and the seltzer water...and again, no weight was lost, but I DID IT :)

A New Year, A New Leash on Life

If you have followed my blog at all, you know that I love resolutions. I love the chance to look at the next 12 months as a clean slate and think how I could improve myself in a new and exciting way. But I can never look forward without looking back.

I am always amazed at what can happen in a 12-month period, and more specifically the last January-December 2015. I knew in 2015 that I would meet someone, I had a feeling deep in me, that something important would happen. And as I went through a few dates early in the year, I thought, YES, this could be the year I would find my man. Those early dates dwindled to texts of "I'm not interested" and so I moved on, albeit with less tears than 2014.

In late March, a friend posted a pic of a dog who was looking for a home. Somehow I just clicked with the picture, and after a few conversations with said friend and a couple friends here in Seattle, I decided to meet the pup. I can't say it was love at first sight, but there was a definite connection, and my heart had already decided he was mine - despite all my head's warnings and misgivings.

Unrelated, but important in the journey of Natalie, in late April, I had one of the most fateful nights of my life. In said night, I got called stupid countless times, lost a friend, and pretty much lost another friend because of the aforementioned friend. Not helpful for this dog adopting shit. On the other hand, I did get to talk to Dave Attell, and he did call me the next day, but beyond that he did not seem interested. C'est la vie. I am old. I then went on my last "single" vacation, and came home to adopt my pup, Gordo - or as I lovingly call him, Jasper (Shithead, Scaredy-Cat, Shadow, Nervous-Nellie, Spaz, Little, Pumpkin, and on and on).

On May 9, 2015, I did find my man. He is 9lb, dark black, with brown eyes. He melts my heart and he was meant for me. He has been the easiest transition (expect for that first day where I sat crying in the hall listening to HIM cry) in my life, and I would not trade him for anything. He is my snuggle-bug, my companion, my "pocket-boyfriend". My life has changed, but is no less full. And I have been blessed by Jackie and Michael loving to watch him for me when I'm gone for work, it has made the transition that much better/easier to know Jasper is extra loved when I leave.

Work is a whole other piece of the pie, it was a rough year, managing five people is not all it's cracked up to be, it feels constantly like you are trying to please them and get them to do what needs to be done without getting frustrated. It feels impossible some times. What was I thinking? I've had a lot of crisis of career and location. Where my next move should be is up in the air, and I hate not feeling like I know where to go. I think I have been in the same spot for too long, but at the same time, I don't want to run from something that I could learn from.

And so, here we are at 2016. And this is a year of giving up. Giving up control. Giving up things and habits. Just seriously giving up to God all my hopes and plans, because up until this point I have been unsuccessful at making any specific thing happen in my life. All that has come to me, I believe, is through divine guidance.

My choices for my monthly resolutions should reflect the giving up (and by the way, I was not very good at last year's resolutions, but I DID finish Anna Karenina, and I would say that in itself is a huge accomplishment). Some resolutions are to ensure I have no real addictions, some are to save money, and some still are to lose weight, my bestie is getting married! And I am hoping to look svelte for when I see Seth MacFarlane sing with the Seattle Symphony in April. #marrymeSeth!

January - No alcohol (w/ 2 cheat days, because let's be realistic....)
February - No coffee
March - No tablet
April - No meat
May - No extra driving (only driving to the vanpool)
June - No TV
July - No gluten
August - No re-watching tv shows
September - No social media
October - No sleeping in/snoozing
November - No complaining
December - ???

We all forge in to the new year in our own way, some in crowded gyms, some with "resolutions to not make resolutions". With all the goals and stars in our eyes, may we all feel hopeful and excited of what can happen in 2016.

Photo courtesy of Chris Clark Photography

Pain: Absorb or Reject?

My fear of pain started young, and for anyone who knew me as a child/teenager, I was (and still am!) woefully bad at sports. I hate being in pain. I do not like being pushed harder. I do not want to be told that "anyone can stand on their head in a corner and spit nickles for a certain period of time". I would rather quit and move on.

From early on, I gave up at pain. After getting hit in the face with a basketball in 2nd grade (hey, it hurts a lot with glasses) at a two-week camp, I never tried again. In high school, I "played" volleyball and the coach wanted me to dig for the ball. And I thought "seriously, you want me to dive, face first into the carpeted concrete and hit a ball that will turn my arms bright red? No, thank you, I'll sit on the bench please." My dad never understood why I didn't go out and practice to get better (uhh... it hurts!). Even cross country, I only lasted a year, and my goal was only to not be last. So yeah, generally when things are painful I stop (and if you're wondering why hand-eye uncoordinated Natalie could be on a high school volleyball team? It was only because the high school only had 30 people in it, and I did it because we got to travel with the boys basketball team...).

When I recently decided to finally write more and had (what I thought) was a good idea for a book, I went for it. Luckily the first person I told, was supportive and encouraging. So spurred by that, off I went, it felt natural. Sweet! Maybe I'll be able to do something creative, be at least part of the person I wanted to be when I was growing up (a writer and an artist - hey, I'm left handed, it makes sense!).

But I made a fatal mistake, I did not follow the instructions of one blog that said to Keep it to yourself.

"One of the biggest mistakes beginning writers make is showing their early efforts to anyone who will look. I know, it’s tempting. You’re writing a novel. You want feedback! You want support! You want someone to tell you it’s awesome"

Whelp, I didn't take that seriously, and shared again... it only took 1 more person before I hit the negative comments that made me feel as if what I was doing was unoriginal and not worth pursuing. Embarrassed I thought, what's the point? I barely started and already hearing it's a dumb idea, I should just quit. It's just going to get worse, and as I know myself, I go out of my way to avoid pain and conflict. Negative feedback in any form takes years for me to move past, some of it I still hold on to until this day (yes, I still remember indirectly finding out a woman I idolized thought I was annoying, talk about knife in the tender psyche of a pre-teen!). What was I even thinking attempting such a project?

But there was that small small voice in the back of my head that said - keep on and keep it to yourself.

It got me to thinking about how being creative is such a vulnerable thing. I mean, you want what comes out of you to be appreciated and validated. You want to hear "that's a great idea" or "wow I really like what you did", or at least "good luck". Whatever you've created was or is something important to you/how you felt/a pivot point in your life. There are a few options when faced with this, don't share your art, quit, or I guess for those with larger balls than I, push through and create anyway. I realized how hard it is to create art and maintain your self-esteem to keep going. No wonder so many artists descend into madness or alcohol.

So if all of this is just about the process, then maybe I'll learn how to be better at not listening to negative feedback on something I am pursuing. Or at least nurture the creative side to find another idea that seems better.

Anyway, I think I'm going to keep writing, but planning on keeping the whole thing to myself. So if you ask me what I'm up to, I'll say I'm writing. And for all you know, it may as well be tweets I'm writing to the Twitterverse. I'm going to attempt to push past my instinct to quit. And if I get 5,000 more words down the road, and I feel like it's not working, I'm going to re-read the "How to Write a Novel" post, put on some Sigur Ros, and attempt to just keep writing.

We have arrived in the future...

It's crazy to think that in 1985, movies predicted that in 2015 we would have hover boards.  Yet, I suppose we have come a long ways since what 1985 was about - I mean if I said I was going to blog back then you may have thought I was trudging through a bog? (you can laugh now)

As you can predict, like I do every year, I will be making resolutions in this January 1, 2015 blog post.  But first, a quick look back to last year, and the apparently 'unusual' thing I did with my resolutions.  If you remember correctly, rather than making one resolution I would likely only keep for a month (if I was lucky), I was going to make 12 (The year I turned 32) - everything from spending less, finishing books, working out, trying new things or doing more of old things.  My favorite thing was actually something I didn't put on the list!  Instead of going cross country skiing, I tried rock climbing (and loved! it).

Last year was a year to focus on improving/analyzing me.  And it was interesting how multiple mediums reaffirmed what I was going through (from books to therapy to conversations with friends and even some movies).  I can look back now and clearly see the direction of last year was to be more okay with me, to know myself a little better, and to be more gentle with me - even though it was a year I cried more than I have in a long long time.  Growing pains much? (though, I gotta say, for all the hard times there was a LOT of good in 2014!)

Let's just say, I'm hopeful and excited for the 'clean slate' that the new year brings.  And found that my 12 months of resolutions were a great thing for me (and it sounds as though I may have inspired a few people to try it themselves? I'm excited to hear what they pick!).  It was fun for me, having something new to look forward to, having people ask about which one I was on that month or how it was going, and I allowed myself to fail.  There wasn't one month that I hit the mark 100%, I'd say I completed around 50% of each.  I found that the mix between improvement and fun things was appropriate, though I would look forward to the next month, but didn't allow myself to "start early".

The things I would like to focus on this year - fit back into a certain little black dress, purge the stuff, find more ways to incorporate spirituality into my life, spend less, and be less busy.  And knowing how this last year went (I was super looking forward to the dance month...and only went 1 time when it came to it!!), I think this year I will put 12 resolutions in a 'hat', and pick one at the start of each month.  So off the cuff, without much ado here is the plan for the year!

1. Meditate 3 nights a week before bed
2. Scrapbook my year in Europe - 1 page and favorite memory from each place AND find a way to display concert and football tickets
3. Do something active outdoors every weekend
4. Don't plan anything (additional) for the month
5. Start each work day with 5 minutes of prayer
6. Run an 8k (I know it sounds wimpy, but the most I've done now is 5ks...baby steps)
7. Cook completely through 1 cookbook - get rid of any where there isn't 7 things I would like to make
8. Don't watch TV during the week days
9. Check out Martha Stewart's guide to housekeeping from the library - and clean at least 3 things that I've not cleaned in my house
10. Get rid of non-sentimental things not used in the last year
11. Don't buy any entertainment items (books, music, movies, concert tickets, plane tickets, etc)
12. Pick 1 class from the gym - go 2x every week

Now, what are you resolving to do in the Back to the Future year you have arrived in?

The year I will turn 32...

I remember when I was younger and my parents always talked about "how fast the year goes".  I guess I'm getting old too because the years are going at light speed (or is it the speed of light?).  And as I always seem to do, I think again about my new years goals and resolutions (I know, you're thinking, why don't you resolve to finish your blog??).

But I've realized at this point in life I'm not really going to change.  I want to be a better version of myself, but I know me, I get side tracked pretty easy.  I could say I'd resolve to be less busy, but that really isn't me, I'm a busy person and I'm happy with that.  And I could resolve to work out more, eat better, spend less... but those are so ambiguous and let's be honest, I'll do it for a month like everyone else and then it will f...a.....d........e.

So instead, I've decided to make monthly resolutions.  I figure I can put in the effort and focus for a month at least.  And who knows, after a month, maybe something will stick?

Without further ado... here they are, so the internets can keep me honest (or at least when I look back next year I'll remember what I didn't do :-) ).

January - Go to yoga 2 times per week (already off to a good start, went tonight ;))
February - Write for 2 hours a week (and thus finish my European adventures...) - and this should be made easier, since I plan on giving up TV for lent.
March - Finish all the books I have started, but left by the wayside.  And then donate said books, because obviously, they weren't my favorites.

• Anna Karenina (I've been reading this since 2003)
• Buried in the Sky
• Bite Me
• The Bourne Identity
• Unfamiliar Fishes

April - Go swing dancing 1 time per week
May - Take lunch to work 4 days per week
June - Take golf lessons - and go hit balls 1 time per week
July - Take a painting class or 2

August - Buy no non-essentials (and for the purpose of this exercise, that includes clothes :))

September - Volunteer 4 times

October - Go running 3 times per week for 45 min

November - Learn to cross-country ski

December -  Trust me, these seem easy, but seriously, I never do them!!

1. See the Christmas ships
2. Be done with shopping by Dec 13
3. Be done decorating by Dec 6
4. Mail Christmas cards
5. Make Christmas cookies

Don't worry, I put all of these on flash cards for my fridge.  And of course, because I'm a lefty I have marker smudges all over my hands and the cards :).  What about you, did YOU make any fun or unusual resolutions this year??

Happy 2014 Y'all!

Yoga pants and high heels

Yup, that was what I ended up wearing home after yoga tonight because I forgot my flip flops.  And as you can guess, I along with the rest of the world have started strong on my New Years resolutions.  They are (drum-roll please):

1. Workout more - at least once a week, I've been THAT bad lately (and that doesn't mean I get to average it out ;))
2. Volunteer - I was thinking since I'm kind of a people person, it should involve that - maybe at an assisted living home?
3. Waste less food - and at least compost it (my apartment complex finally has a compost bin!)

As I was driving home, thinking about how we all make resolutions, and most are lucky to make it through the first quarter of the year.  Maybe there is a reason for that, and it's not that most of us are lazy or quitters - but that this time of year has a lot less distractions so we find something else to focus on.  Football season is winding down, no one likes the NBA, baseball doesn't start for a few months, and the holidays are over.  Also, for those of us in the Northwest, the sun isn't out, so there isn't the pressure to have to take advantage of every minute of sunshine.  In fact, working out in a dark yoga room for 90 min is better than being in our cars or at home in the dark.

Maybe we have a need to feel busy and purposeful (plus, no one wants to spend a ton of money and a few dance or yoga classes are cheaper than eating out or Christmas shopping).  And I actually didn't come to any conclusions on whether this was a good or bad thing!  It was either, we all need to take a break and take this winter time to relax, not feel like we have to go go go.  Or else, it's that this time should be taken advantage of to form some good habits, try new things, and even if only 1% of it sticks, isn't that better than we were the year before?

So whether you decide to make resolutions, decide to just give your all in everything, or take this winter to re-energize, may this new year bring you happiness and joy - even if that comes in a pair of heels and yoga pants :).

My "To Do" List

I think I'm too young to be writing a bucket list, and I don't plan on kicking anything anytime soon. Rather, this is more of a list of things I want to do or places I want to see and haven't gotten to yet;-).

Cheri and Natalie - Winter 2011

• Go to South Africa and go on safari
• Live in Italy for a month
• Take a cruise on the Mediterranean
• Always spell vacuum correctly;-)
• Go to Austin, TX
• See the Olympic National Forest
• Perfect my chocolate chip cookie recipe
• See the beaches of Normandy
• Visit the battlefield at Gettysburg
• Go to an Olympic event
• Stay in an ice castle/ hotel
• See Coldplay in concert
• Explore Boston



Damien Rice - Fall 2009

• See a game in every MLB park
• Take more staycations
• Go to the Super Bowl
• See the Kentucky Derby
• Road trip in the Midwest/ southwest
• Watch all the movies I own and then purge them;-)
• See Damien Rice in concert every opportunity I get
• Read at least 1 classic novel a year (maybe something less depressing than Wuthering Heights)
• Go to Nome for the iditorod
• Visit the Statue of Liberty and go to the top of the Empire State building
• Find a speakeasy in every major US city I visit
• See live jazz in Memphis, Chicago (again), and New Orleans
• Learn to golf (thanks to my Jacq for the start!)
• Play a full 18- holes on my own
• Go to Jordan
• Waste less food - this is actually my 2012 resolution, preferably it would be waste no food but that may be a little unrealistic when last minute travel plans come in to place



Speakeasy in Chicago

• See a play in London 
• Go back to Paris - see the Musee national Picasso, the Catacombs, more of the Louvre, and the Musee de Orsay
• Watch all the Godfather movies
• Use a whole chicken - including the carcass for making chicken stock. This may be the most difficult, I hate chicken skin, bones, veins, tendons, etc etc etc
• Have an herb garden
• Actually be in Munich for Oktoberfest
• Learn to speak another language
• Decide which language I want to learn:-)
• Go to Norway for my grandma and take hundreds of pictures for her
• Learn to like NYC
• Trace my family lineage - is my last name really German?!



Paris 2010

• Find 1 good thing about Houston - no one has been able to tell me one yet!

And when I've found that one good thing about Houston, my life should be over by then, right?;-)