Natalie-ology

Damien Rice once said during a live session, that the thing he noticed is the more damned that he is, the better he is at what it is that he does, and that he's sorta bored of being damned. (Live at Fingerprints, Intro to Grey Room) I can relate to that with where I am in life right now. I'm so tired of being tired and broken, but in what I'm learning about myself is that when I experience that brokenness, I find it easier to create and be creative.

I had my heart broken today. And I'm sure you're thinking, Natalie, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you get your heart broken a lot, what's the big deal? Well, I can say, I know, you're right. But I want to cry UNCLE! Enough with the rejection already. I have had more than my fill of being rejected and rejecting others (because trust me, that takes it's own kind of toll on a person).

Let me start back a few months ago. My homecoming has been a mixed bag. I could have wept with joy every time I got to see a friend or realized how easy it was to hang out with the network of "gal pals" I still have here in Portland - and no doubt, I still feel incredibly blessed to have their support and to be able to support them through life. But the job I came into is not for me, or well it's making me realize that the angst I was feeling in my last job was more than just burn out or situational. So after lots of frustration and anger about being at work in something that didn't fit - I finally came to my knees with God. Begging for an answer. For a change. For something. I think that came in two ways. One in finding a career counselor who instantly recognized I was in the wrong spot and is helping me identify the whys and the whats would be better by starting from scratch and digging into how I want to feel and what causes those feelings - then pulling from her experience to point out careers based on them. And the second was probably an anxiety attack before work that triggered me reaching out to a psychologist for help.

I have since learned that I not only have anxiety (probably not the shock of the century) and depression. Both of those I realize are loaded words and probably thrown around too often in our society. But hearing the doctor say them was like a weight was lifted. The puzzle pieces started to fit together. Ah, could this be why I can sleep 8 hours or more every night and still feel exhausted every morning? Or is this why I could live in Europe and feel so utterly alone and sad in a space I always wanted to be? I think yes. The doctor made me feel good, in that she said I'd been coping fairly well, and that this trigger at work just brought it up. But that I should start to pay attention to myself more - notice when I'm anxious or depressed, what was happening, and to take steps to work through it (deep breathes, meditation, prayer for the anxiety and turning the depressed periods into something creative - as a lot of artists are most creative and focused when they are in their blue moods).

If you're as smart as I think you are, then yes, I can feel the depression lurking at the edges of my psyche. Of course, as I stated above I know the trigger. And I had an outpouring of love and encouragement today. As I'm trying to process this all in my head, I would say I'm doing better than normal (hear me out!).

1) I do not think my being rejected has anything to do with the way I look. I have come to appreciate who I am and what I look like. I do think I'm pretty and while I know I could lose some weight for a person of my height, I think all those art museums worked - I truly see the beauty in the curves of the woman's body and I can see those reflected in myself. And I am happy.
2) I do not think I was rejected because I was not smart. A lot of what I'm learning about myself, about how I process and my behaviors are, that I am smart and creative and I like the big picture. I know a wide variety of things and am by no means dumb.
3) I know that I 'dodged a bullet'. I logically get that, and I think even parts of my heart do as well, as I felt a weight release, I am finally able to 100% move on - though that doesn't mean I won't be processing the 'whats' and the 'whys' of what happened.

What is different about this rejection is trying to understand what I missed. Where did I go wrong. Why did I trust and open myself to this person. Is my ability to read people that off??? And why didn't I heed the advice of countless dating books or my past therapist. If a guy doesn't make an effort, he's just not that into you. I know that society has changed and the rules could arguably be thrown out the door. But I know that I am guilty of overthinking everything, when I think generally it's either F yes or F no for guys.

What I will do next about all this - I don't really know. I've been told if you want a relationship, you should treat it like looking for a job. And then I look back and go, haven't I already tried that? I've also been told, to let it go and it will come when you aren't looking. I have yet to have been able to fool my overactive brain into not looking or worrying about it. Even when I think I am not, BAM! I actually was.

All this to say, that tonight, after a rough day, I am putting my energy into something productive. I am piecing together IKEA furniture and pulling out my craft skills as I'm painting some of those pieces! Ack! At least I can look back on today, and feel my house is a little more put together, right?

Tindering Around

This dating thing is always interesting. When I first arrived back in Portland, I thought I'd let the universe guide things. And I ended up with a couple dates in the first month. Not too bad, but no love connection either. But as inevitably happens when I have friends doing online dating, I think "oh, I can do that too" and somehow summons up the energy to start swiping (maybe if I wore a cleaner on my finger, I could clean my phone at the same time. At least then something productive would be happening...).

I had one date early on (he was living in his van, I feel like that should be a requirement to state that early on...), and then work kinda messed things up. And those early conversations never materialized beyond pen pal status. So I'd been on an off maybe once a week, finding one or two new likes here. Going back and forth between saying something first and just waiting. I've also hilariously ran into people I know. :S

I'd been talking with this one guy for a bit now (a month!). The chat was interesting enough, talking about signs and moon phases. I couldn't quite figure out his 'look', but he seemed attractive and at least interesting to chat with. Of course, you're thinking uh... moon phases and you're interested? Or maybe you are more in the 'why did you not meet early on?'. I know, I know. I mean, I'm trying to be more open, and I like to see whether they have balls to ask me out. And finally he said he'd like to meet! After a couple failed non-plan attempts, I agreed to meet for a drink last night - maybe against my better judgement. I mean, he likes to make mead and go mushrooming?!

We met at a local beer garden (local to me), but while I got there early to take Jasper out and relax a bit, he didn't give me a specific time, and ended up getting there after 8 I think. Sounds awful, right?

Well unbeknownst to him, I was happily chatting away with another beer drinker - whom will call Kermit. Learning about everything from why there are little blue lights on top of the light poles in the area (it was a design choice), oh and the buildings are short near the street then go sky-high (to make it feel less daunting), that the OHSU building was the first one there and is set up to reclaim the shower water as toilet water. That Kermit was one of those on the panel against the $85M tram (which was supposed to cost $3.3M...), but he got his way that the buildings were set back 100 instead of 50 yards from the water. I know that at one point there was a proposal (by Kermit and friends) to turn PGE into a co-op, that sounds like it would have been pretty beneficial to us all....oh and I know where all the power for downtown comes from, in case you want to perform an Ocean's Eleven style heist.

Oh and you can buy a life insurance policy from someone, continue to pay their premiums, and then receive their death benefits. Sounds like something I read in Devil in the White City, but apparently it's legal. Kermit has a company that uses that money as capital to help new startups - specifically to find the next 'unicorn' (because sometimes your friends and family can't get you past the $30M fund raising mark) - a company like Brilliant Light Power, some new company that is developing a better power source based on dark matter and hydrogen (http://brilliantlightpower.com). I only understood any of the terms because of Big Bang Theory. :P

Anyway, Kermit and I were chatting when my date arrived... but no worries, the Kermit joined us and talked for awhile. So I wasn't left with Mead-boy for much longer. As I realized it was 9, and well, time for food and bed! Btw... he brought said homemade mead... it was made from honey, shallots, mushrooms, onion, and garlic... aphro-no-siac! Ick!Again, Kermit saved me by tasting it first...so no drugs.

I walked away being grateful to the universe for the randomness, and for strangers who rescue you from bad frogs (see what I did there?).

Five months in, and I have resolved not to give up!

After my "rough month" of a no-alcohol January, February's no coffee was a breeze. I chose this partially to ensure I was not so used to coffee that I was going to get any caffeine headaches and partially to save a little cash. While I did go to coffee shops a couple times, I generally stuck to chai (though I ordered a hazelnut latte once, but quickly remembered my resolution and changed it in time). It was a little odd not to just go have coffee with a coworker as a break from work, but it didn't seem to matter all that much in the grand scheme.

And going into March, while I have gotten a few coffees, I don't actually pass any coffee shops on the way to work. I've fallen into a routine to get to work, and walk to the main building for drip coffee. It's a nice start to my mornings. It's also much cheaper. 

Actually my life has fallen into much more of a routine in Portland. I am feeling like more of a homebody. But my social life has blown up. (I know you're thinking that makes no sense) I always have a friend to see. Someone to meet for drinks. Have over to chat or watch a movie. It's wonderful. I never realized how isolated I had become in Seattle. How much I did alone. It's also more challenging keeping up and going deeper with my friends. Before we barely had time. Now we have all the time in the world. My support network, while always there, has turned into a thick net. Woven with strong cords. It's been wonderful. It also made March's resolution to not play mindlessly with my tablet easier. Though I did use it while I cooked a couple times! And it's also been the reason I've been writing less. I think there is something to creativity coming from pain or a low place, kind of like an outlet. And while I don't feel low now, I think the past 2 months have been a bit of a reprieve from the mental battle. I've been distracted from my singleness and replaced a man with a plethora of friends and settling into a new life. 

It's not time to start stressing. It's time to get back to work on me. To get back to my resolutions to improve me. To break bad habits and comfort routines (uhh can you say falling asleep to tv every night a bit of a crutch?!). To take better care of myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I did nothing for my April resolution.  And just looked at what it was and it wasn't what I thought. Dork! I thought it was no extra driving. It was no meat. Oops!! Well, let's pretend April and May are flip flopped. The no driving was based on a life that no longer exists. While I don't like to drive more than I have to, my options to drive less are different and I haven't figured them all out yet. There is no vanpool to ride. My commute is at least 10 miles less a day. So I'll move on to May. 

No meat, eh? Well I guess today was an inadvertent cheat, I had chicken and biscuits for breakfast and like the best duck confit poutine for lunch. As I'm writing this. I think I may have to shift. Not sure how easy Seoul will be with no Korean BBQ. And now that you've wandered down Natalie's crazy path with me. I'm switching to what June is. No tv. Gah! My crutch. F it. Can't push it off forever! Goodbye Netflix. Goodbye BBT. Goodbye Family Guy!  I hope my electric bill goes down at least... 

Sorry for the lapse in writing. Also, sorry for never saying goodbye Seattle. You were a great time and I wouldn't trade being with you for the world. I am now who I am because of my time there. I would never trade the close friends I made. The great work experiences I had (both good and bad) or all the growing up I did. I left a young silly girl and came back hopefully a more reasonable silly woman. ;-) I told you long ago, I was on #TeamEdward. Jacob was a fun time. It was time to go home. (If you have no clue what I'm talking about, and you may think that most of the time you don't. I wrote a post long ago comparing PDX and SEA to Edward and Jacob (yes I am a big nerd). I decided to stay and play then. I've come back to me now. ). I have so many thoughts and feelings about the move, though the predominate one at this point is happiness! After SEVEN and a HALF YEARS, I am home. I survived having Oregon license plates for that time, and only a Washington ID for the past year or so. While it hasn't all been Roses in the Emerald City, it was been a good ride and I have no regrets. I know I am, I'm sure I am... a fan of my friends 

Nesting

For a long time, I've felt stuck between two worlds.  My love for the friends in Portland pull on my heart all the time, but the life I have established in Seattle has become equally hard to part from.  At one point, I'd likened Seattle to Jacob (well you know, he IS the fun, literally hot, one...), and for the most part the lifestyle I lead here reinforces that.  And when I was visiting with a friend, I mentioned that I hadn't hung any pictures up in my new (at-the-time) condo - she mentioned that maybe I was subconsciously not wanting to be in Seattle.

After returning from Rotterdam, I admit, I felt pretty lost.  I didn't quite feel like I was "home" and it took a bit to feel like I was established with a life here again.  Moving to Portland seemed closer than it had been in awhile.  But this summer, after making the choice to stay home for the weekend, I finally decided it was time.  It was time to hang up my pictures.  I mean seriously, I'd owned my condo for 2 years, and all they were doing was collecting dust and taking up precious space under my bed (I mean, where else is the monster supposed to live?  And by monster, I mean the extra clothes :) ).



So after a little soul-pinterest searching, and a few arrangement attempts, I figured out how to lay out my collection (I don't know what got into me, but a long time ago, I fell in love with the "Kissing the War Goodbye" photo...and rapidly collected multiple kissing black and white photos... creepy or hopeful, they make me happy).

Layout idea
How to hang a wall collage

Now, I don't know about you, but I find hanging pictures alone to be...a bit challenging.  I mean, something can look perfectly great close up, but look...ummm...terrible when you stand back...and by then, you've already got holes in your walls.  So you know, I probably looked a bit like a spaz standing on my couch, attempting to hammer in pin nails (praying I DIDN'T hit a stud or at least one of those metal ones, I just don't have the power to put those in! #twss), and then jumping back to check every 5 seconds that it was ACTUALLY level and ACTUALLY the right distance apart.

And I'd seen examples of people using paper to map out their plan, rulers to measure where to put nails etc.  Well, I don't keep spare butcher paper around, so I figured the ginormous roll of Costco wrapping paper (that I've had for about 5 years) would do just fine.


After finding a layout that was most similar to the pictures I had on hand, I set to work drawing and measuring.  After the first couple of photos, I realized no matter what I laid out, it was measuring about an inch lower than expected... hmm well, I adjusted and liked seeing the work slowly come together.

And I have to say that I was pretty happy with the finished product, and had fun even incorporating black and white photos of people I love to complement the whole wall.  I can't say they are perfectly straight or measured, and I've had to 'adjust' some of the small frames, but that really doesn't matter.  Seeing them behind my couch every day makes me smile, and if you can't feel happy and cozy where you live, where else can you expect to?

It took ~2 years, but I finally made my house more of a home.  I put permanent marks in my walls that I may be annoyed by one day, but for the time being I'll enjoy the fruits of my labor and be glad that I didn't have to make multiple holes for each one ;-).  So I guess the moral of the story is...live fully where you're at, because if you're always waiting to get to the next place, you'll never feel fully settled.

The opposite wall

Above my bed, though now there are a few more Vegas trip photos :)

Life Expected

Sometimes your day is boring and dull, sometimes, it's just fully unexciting.  And then, there are those days when it is great.  But there are those OTHER times where your day, your night, your weekend are amazing.

I had that recently.  I was bored with life.  It was dissatisfying, I was unhappy....depressed.  And then on Thursday night I had dinner with my friend.  A friend who you wouldn't ever give up on, no matter what happened.  A friend who reminds you that it takes work to be a friend and to keep a friend.  Man, was dinner with my wife on Thursday awesome.  And then, I got to repeat it all again on Friday.

Friday...Lynsey and I met up at a wine bar in Post Alley, we were flying solo because of sick or boyfriend sick friends...never mind that, we were together.  Chatting, drinking wine flights, having chocolate and a grand ole time.  One more drink we decided, at a fantastic bar called White Horse... and that one more drink kicked our lil' asses right into the Post... where we bemused, befuddled and bewildered all those Nebraskan boys.  There was nothing but giggles and kisses on our end.

And you could have said my good day ended then...with me waking up the next morning 45 min AFTER my flight had departed. But somehow, it didn't.  The fun times were still rolling along... right with Oregon State beating Louisville (and of course, I think of Elizabethtown every time I say that word, because there are SO many versions of it).  After a little Qdoba with the fam, I headed back north, listening to my book on tape the whole time.... at Gervais I stopped to change into my "going out" attire... skinny cargoes and a hot top... the heels would join my feet later.

Saturday night in Portland was great... it was different from Seattle... not quite as busy and hot to trot, but great all the same. And with Jodie and her friends, we inevitably ended up at Kells, just like any great night would.  Kells provided cigar bars, Celtic bands and Guinness.  Along with drunk couples, sweaty girls and dancing the Irish gig.  Me and my 9" heels finally joined in and had a fantastic time dancing the gig joined with 10 other drunk, happy, pretend-Irishmen.

The night ended, and we all went our separate ways... no one too drunk, but no one too sober either.  I parked, found my bed and slept happily until 5:30am...when Meredith (my car) decided to let me know someone was touching her (you know, in that way in the courts when they give the doll to the child and ask "where did the bad man touch you" kinda way).  I heard her, looked out the window, hoped it wasn't... and then heard her again - they were towing cars on the street I'd parked.  Meredith was being violated, and she was letting the world know.  On went the shorts and shirt, and out the door I went.  Jiggles had nothing on me.  I found the man hurting Mer and begged him to let me park her elsewhere... this man happened to be a friend from college... irony at 530 was more than I could deal w/...especially as the hot mess I had to be...

So Mer and I drove around, and finally found a space in the visitors lot far away...woke up to cheers from the "Race for the Cure" supporters...once showered and coherent, breakfast was had.  Now you have to understand that Portland, Oregon has THE BEST breakfast places in the world.  This morning the Veritable Quandary was chosen... and 7 of us gathered around the round table of King Arthur,  I mean King Veritable, and had our various French Toast brioche, eggs benedict (with or without crab), or corned beef hash... along with VQ-8, Espresso or Champagne cocktails....and an incredibly healthy dose of laughter.  Honestly, I haven't had that great a time laughing and communing with friends since God knows when.  The day was capped off with a tour of the Saturday Market (including hilarious boxers and insanely intelligent art).

My weekend ended with a bang...I finished my Stephen King novel on the drive home.  I mean...and really, that story ended with a bang of a finish.  All I know is that fantastic weekends are still possible and I want more of them.  I had drinks with Sofia tonight.....and then realized that the night was young enough to still have drinks with Lynsey.  If that's not a great way to end a Monday, I don't know what is.

All I can say is that if my life may be boring and dull sometimes, it more than makes up for it when it is exhilarating and fantastical.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, I just have to think that my poor future kids will get tired of hearing, "I remember when"...:)

Edward or Jacob?

To begin with, I apologize for neglecting my blog.  Work has become... nothing short of a pain, and staying around late to write a blog hasn't been top on my priority list (plus, the locations I've been working at blocked my blog... as something like "obscene/tasteless" ;-)).

And now, I've got something on my mind, and a little down time, so I guess I'll share.  Plus, writing helps me process things (that and getting sufficient sleep).  One way or another, people are going to be unhappy with my decision, but I gotta be me, right?  I mean, if I'm not happy, I am definitely a pain in the ass to be around.

You're probably thinking, what the pho are you talking about Natalie?  Get to it!  Ok ok, so I've been debating my living situation.  Portland is calling, and my heart flutters at the thought of it.  But I've started to put down roots in Seattle, I have a great friend base and great coworkers, I like my living situation (ummm I love living downtown in the heart of all the action), and I haven't yet been pulled over for having Oregon plates, yet.

The best way I can describe my feelings, and thus the impossibly difficult decision, is to compare them to Twilight.  I know, I'm a total Vamp dork, but analogies help my lil' logical mind wrap my head around the situation.

On one hand there's Portland - which is totally my Edward.  Edward has my heart.  I feel like I was ripped from his hands (not by choice but by circumstances "out" of my control), and when I'm around my family there or things are bad here, I think of him.  And trust me, this is often.  The pain has subsided (or at least been masked a little), and I don't cry every time I leave Portland, but still, I could if I let myself.  And the other week, as I was sitting with my girlfriends at the Tegan & Sara concert, I felt truly at home and peaceful, I knew I belonged to Edward.  Like we were meant for each other.  Edward definitely makes me grow up a little, I feel like I will be settled with him.  But am I ready to be settled?!?

And then there's Seattle - definitely Jacob :).  Irresistible.  Hard to turn down.  Heated and dangerous (see the numerous girls night picts from fb).  But on days like today, he's just a total brat (namely because of the j-o-b).  Jacob's the fun one.  The one I go out with late at night to tear up the town.  The one who's encouraged me to get out, make friends, move on from Edward.  He's been great.  I've grown to love him.  But I think he knows, he'll always play 2nd fiddle to Edward.

So, where does that leave me?  I don't want to give Jacob up, but I desperately want to be with Edward.  Can I have both?  And if I have a baby, will Jacob fall for her?;-)  Is it just cuz I've been in a place for 2 years and I'm antsy?  Sigh, if only I knew the answer...I know, that's part of the journey and just a part of life.  I'm kinda waiting for it to hit me across the head (and no wife, just cuz you hit me, does not mean I'll choose Jacob).  

What it really comes down to is time. I'm not in a rush, and Portland won't be falling into the ocean like California will, so I should be good.  At least, I hope Rocky's song isn't true... I guess that's what I've been thinking lately.  I'll keep you posted.  ~NattyJo