Failed MRS

If any of you know me, you know that I joke that I went to college for my MRS degree.  And I remember distinctly my senior year being told by some jerk in my accounting class, that "I guess you failed that one!"  Almost 10 years later, and I still have not accomplished that 'feat' and those words still sting.

Within the last 36-hours, I have had 3 people tell me that I am crazy (and not in a joking manner, but more towards the 'who I am' frame of reference), torn a pair of jeans in an uncomfortable and embarrassing way, and been told that I would be a horrible mother (was going to make the baby I was holding cry and that I looked awkward - from multiple people in front of a larger group of peers).  This Halloween has certainly been more of a trick than a treat.  I feel like I got salt poured, rubbed, scrubbed, and sanded into this gaping wound.  Because if you also know me, you would know that all I have ever wanted to be was a mother.  And like the rest of you, I just want someone to love and care for me.  To need me and for me to need them.  To not be alone, because man just cannot live...alone.

It never ceases to amaze me how mean people can be, and how self-absorbed and rude that comes across when they make assumptions about another person.  At what point has it been okay to wound someone, and then back-peddle saying 'we were only joking'.  I've been told that I should show people how I am hurt, to let them see the side of me that I keep hidden in an attempt to look/act/be what society says is 'normal'.  In doing so, I guess I become fake and then people don't know what could hurt, because I don't show that.

I live every day with this intense pressure that I am alone.  The fear that I won't be a good mother or ever get to be a mother.  That this is what my life will continue to be, a full one - but not a completely fulfilling one.  That there will always be that something I'm lacking and that bond with a person I won't have.  I just can't believe that this is my life, and that I must have made some wrong choice in my 'choose your own adventure' story - one that led far away from what I hoped for.  And honestly, that's probably what hurt the most is someone putting me in a box and attacking that hope.

This was a little raw, and a lot all over the place.  But this is me, this is what scares me more than anything else.  And I think better through written word.  So the next time you have an urge to make some 'funny' comment, think about the assumptions you are making about that person first.  And I'll do the same, plus allow myself to be hurt and let you know, because if I don't, I'm just keeping up the facade that reinforces your incorrect assumptions about who I am and what I want from life.

Oh, where is my Hairbrush?

While Milan was almost a full 3 months ago, the impression of it still sticks with me and it quickly has shot up to one of my favorite cities in Europe.  I would say it has all the fashion of Paris, with the hospitality of the Italians.  Perfecto.  Needless to say, I felt my time (working) in Milan was fantastic.

After almost 24hrs of travel, I was awake enough to navigate the train and the metro to make it to my home for the week.  And I did what I always do when I get in - take a nap. :) But by 3, I was on the metro headed to the center.  While on the train, we were 'serenaded' by a guy with a speaker and a microphone...putting me in the right mood to talk with a cute guy who came up to talk to me when we got to the Duomo.  I ended up walking the city with him and a couple of his friends (they were Romanians, living in Italy).  He was a bit of a spaz, but harmless.

We walked all around the center, twirled around 3 times with our heels on the bulls balls in the shopping center (see below), meandered through the castle (me in front of said castle below), looked for gelato (and finally found some), and generally had a pleasant time, but I was getting tired of them and hungry for real food.

Which led me to what I hoped was food, but instead was just a bar, so I had an aperitif (Straf Bar) and then headed for a pizza.  I ended up at that bar at least 2 more times before I left.  It was cozy, and appeared to be a place where locals would go to hang out.  And I can say that I am a big fan of spritz's.

The rest of my food and drink week was amazing, but rather than bog this down, I'll post that separately (Restauranting - Milano).  But for a 'taste'... here's a sample of what I had:

We found the old city with the last remaining canals (and I of course got eaten alive by mosquitos and ended up with cankles...) and I got to have dinner with my friend, Jon, from Seattle who just happened to be popping through during the same week.  Also, in our search for a spot to watch the British football match (we were unsuccessful, as even the British pub was only showing the Italy game), we happened into a quaint little place that was packed people watching the Italians play, we were the odd men out, but the owner showed us some great hospitality in getting food and drink while the game was on.

Church with the Last Supper

What the city used to look like

The streets of Milan

I ended up staying in Milan for the weekend, and while I wasn't able to get tickets to see the Last Supper, I did walk through the adjacent church, all around the square (was hoping to see the Duomo with a friend, but that never happened and as such, I never did make it in the big church), into the Modern Art museum, around the castle to relax and write postcards, shopped a little, ate some more, and generally just had a relaxing 2 days in the city.  My favorite church was a recommendation from my friend Jon - it's a cool optical illusion to be sure!

One of my favorite experiences was sitting down at a cafe for dinner (now sometimes I have problems picking where to eat, I over-think it, find a place on Yelp or TripAdvisor that looks good, but when I walk past it, I am not interested or don't realize I've walked past and then I get all awkward about wanting to turn around and look like I'm lost).  But after walking for quite a bit, and getting away from the largely touristy areas, I found a great wine and food bar.  Here I sat, read, and had a chef's choice 3-course meal.  Near the end of the meal, a girl who was sitting nearby struck up a conversation and invited me to join them for drinks.  Who am I to turn down making friends?  It was a fun evening with a makeup artist, an architect, and a socialite who is known for throwing fantastic parties.  While I was invited to go, and the girl added herself as a friend on Facebook, she never did accept her own request.  Alas, it was fun to hear about anyway.

The city of Como

After working in the city, I headed to the lake...of course hoping to see the famed George Clooney, but instead maybe only seeing a glimpse of where he lives.  Como was great, albeit a little stormy at the time.  It was an easily navigable town, but it is fairly quiet and the center is deserted early on.  I had 2 days in town, and spent one day wandering (in the pouring rain, refusing to buy an umbrella from the street peddlers) and popping into little places for coffee or wine.  I took the streetcar up the hill and the ferry to Bellagio (not to be confused with the Vegas monstrosity, or the sister hotel of the "Pellagio", aka the Palazzo... that joke was for any of my Vegas girls who read my blog...sometimes I make up new words!).

I popped onto the the slow ferry, so it took 2 1/2 (very hungry) hours to get to the city.  And of course once there, I popped into the first place I saw....haha, no of course not.  I wandered and checked Yelp, and wandered a bit more.  I did find a semi-hidden little wine bar where I had a wonderful eggplant cheesy lasagna (pictured above in the food preview).  It was worth the wait, but I wouldn't go until 2pm before I eat again - not advisable.

I asked my waiter for advice on a swimming spot and he recommended the tip of the town.  Off I head in search of a place to bathe...only to find a restaurant and a boat mooring spot.  I of course go into awkward mode and decide I guess I'll have a glass of wine.  After serving me wine, I asked the waiter where a place to go in the water was.  He says, oh I'm headed to swim after I leave here.  I can show you.  Me, thinking, this was part of his plan to meet up with friends agrees.  It must be close by, right?

The ferry ride and my scooter companion in Bellagio

He covers the wine and leads me to...his scooter???  Alright, I didn't realize this was part of the plan, but ok, sure, why not?  He FLIES through the little town at cringe worthy rates.  Slowing barely for people to jump out of the way, the policeman makes the "slow down" gesture at him, and I am holding on for dear life, hoping my bare skin won't be rubbed clean off by a crash.  We arrive...at a bar?  And he goes off to change (so yeah, I guess he wasn't originally planning on swimming after work), and tells me to get a drink at the bar.  I do, and wait.  He returns swim-trunks clad, and off we go again... to the other end of the town...

You might be thinking, seriously Natalie, you're an idiot!  Well, I may be, but I'm writing this so you know I'm alive, and it was such a fun, spontaneous afternoon.  And I did, in fact get to go swimming in the lake (it was F'ING COLD), laid out on the floating dock, jumped in again and again, and laughed with delight that this was where I was in my life.  We shared a couple spritz's, some vodka and lemon soda's, and he only had a couple hours before work, so I was able to get back on the ferry and head "home" to Como, Milan, and eventually Seattle.

I learned from this trip that when traveling alone, I prefer to be in big cities, as opposed to little villages (which are truly made for couples), and oh yeah, and I think I forgot to mention, I left my hairbrush at home and I was stuck with a comb for 2 weeks...  Here's to living life 'on the edge'!!

Piloting...

It's finally starting to, noticeably, happen. My body is aging. I saw it when I was looking in the mirror this week. My under boob could hold a pen. You know, I'd known it was coming. Probably six months ago I could do the arms up (22), arms down (32) and not much was changing. Slowly though, it was. And not only can I now hold writing instruments in unuseful places, I've got the upsidedown "v" happening between my boobs. Shit. I'm old.  I couldn't find an available Cougartown clip, but the opening Pilot scene shows Jules analyzing her aging (albeit HOT self).

I have a feeling that things will continue to get "worse". I mean, I wore nylons this week. I HATE nylons. But my legs are turning wintery and not shaving well. And you know, I expected this, knew it was going to happen. But hoped that at this point I would have locked down a man, so that he knew what "once was" and could live through this aging process with me. Instead, I'm experiencing it alone, and am feeling an even more intense pressure to find a man - because we all know they are much more visually driven and no matter what they say, they care about that shit. 

So here I sit, with nylons helping to keep the fat in, hide the age spots, and keep the legs faux-svelte, grateful that the grey hairs haven't shown up, but hoping that things retain at least a little of their elasticity, or I guess I'll be calling on my plastic surgeon friend a little earlier than I intended...

This blog is dedicated to a friend who told me he appreciated my honesty;-). 

Child of the Mind

I always look forward to reading friends' blogs, but then I realize I can't give them a hard time without doing a little dirty work on my own.

I've been sitting on this for a bit, and thought it was time to share.  It was a moment in time where I was able to see outside of myself (my frustration and pain) and see the beauty of human interaction.  It uplifted my heart, and while today is just a regular old day, it's nice to remember.

It is amazing how I want to write when it is least convenient. Nevertheless, as I sit here on a plane from Seattle to Chicago, listening to music, reading Children of the Mind, sipping a little bit of wine, my brain is a buzz of written activity.  And it is bursting from me, so much so that I can’t even type fast enough.

It all started so simply.  I finally had clarity as to why the Ender’s Game series pulls me in so deeply.  I was thinking back to a conversation with a friend who was meeting me where I was and where I needed her to be.  She sought to understand me, and know me, but not correct or lead me.  She showed me this, and in turn, blessed me through it all weekend.  Reminding me that people are part of your life, your ‘philotic connection’, when and how they need to be.  I don’t know how to communicate that, except through an example.  This morning, when I asked her advice of what I was wearing, I didn’t realize until later that I was not asking her to tell me to change, I was asking her to tell me that as I was, I was okay.  And she affirmed me, because I think she knew that’s what I really wanted – not the advice, but the affirmation.  Too many times, we try to solve each other, when we just really want acceptance of our self.

Fast forward to the airport, where humanity collides and bumps along.  When we travel, we seem to change our patterns, somehow this traveling, this movement, changes how we interact (watch us drive; we would never be as mean in real life as this).  There is so much to analyze, to witness, to try to understand, to amuse, and to frustrate.  As I watch and get a bit frustrated by it all, in the back of me, I yearn to see them as they want to be seen – exactly as this silly book series portrays.  To see their true self.  To love them as they are and want to be – not the pushy, self-interested people they become in the airport/on the planes.

And then, as I get to board early, and watch the pushing humanity continue to unfold before me, I get the chance to connect with another human – the person that we often overlook, because after all – they are just doing their job, serving us, making us more comfortable, enforcing rules that feel asinine to us.  And yet, they are there - human and wonderful, because these are the true observers, the see-ers of the self and the silly.

I did nothing other than converse with her, to show her I had some understanding of her plight and that I saw the struggle of her position. To practice that thing called "kindness".  I did not mean all this when I was doing it, but when her co-worker said, “She tells me not to charge you, what did you do?”  I thought, I didn’t "do" anything.  I was just trying to connect with her, to see her, to show her that I understood her.

To me, it wasn’t much, I grew up with a father whose goal was to make waitresses smile.  But I could tell that she was a person to be acknowledged, because people like that should be encouraged to keep on (I mean, it was American Airlines...).  So I’d already decided to write to the airline and commend her.  So many times, we see the flight attendants who are jaded (and why shouldn’t they be?  We don’t always treat them as they should be treated – it’s a hard, thankless job – where you are mostly noticed when things go wrong).  

And I as I was thinking about this, I realized she beat me too it, she showed me kindness, when that was what I wanted to do for her.  And in that moment, I felt overwhelmed by love and by a feeling of love for others.  This was all happening as I continued to read, as the book was depicting Jane moving to see the world through new eyes, and the understanding that came and moved through her new knowledge.  I feel like I also received the most lovely gift of seeing people through cleansed eyes, with  #nofilter.

It is a powerful, extremely moving experience to look at people, as God must see them.  As unique and wholly deserving individuals.  So wonderfully made in His image, formed as unique creatures.  At that point, the circle became complete in my mind.  My understanding of how I want to see people, as they want to be seen, coincides with how I believe God sees them.  As they are.  And in that moment, I felt blessed.

It was so beautiful.  The power and emotion of it overwhelmed me.  For the second time reading this book, I cried.  The first time for the loss of a character that I had somehow connected with, the second time for the beauty of seeing people as I imagine he (Ender) saw them.  Through all their imperfections, it was overwhelming.  Too much to hold, even now, I’m only remembering the memory, and not feeling that full passion that was “it” at the time.  I don’t even think I could hope to want it back, as I don’t know if I am enough to hold it.  But I do hope that I am enough to act it out as I saw it.  To not be blinded by people’s imperfections, but to see them as they deserve to be seen.

Alright, I'll get off my soapbox.  But the next time you find yourself frustrated and judgey, try flipping your view and seeing what is beautiful and possibly hurting in the person.  You'll doing little for them, and everything for yourself.

What is there left to say?

For those of you who are close to me, you have been "fortunate" enough to hear my broken record playing over and over ... and over for the past year or so - I am sorry (and if I peruse some of my old entries, nothing has really changed from years back either).  Being alone has been really rough on me, both mentally and I'm sure physically as well, as I saw a chiropractor for about 5 months to work stress out of my shoulders and neck, and I was sick at least once a month in Holland.

I appreciate the advice and the shoulders to cry on, and I know how much support I have in my corner.  But at this point, I think I've heard most of the attempts at helping me understand and rationalize why my life is where it is, why it's really okay to feel sad, and that I should never settle just to be with someone.  I can't even trick myself into not looking so that I'll "get lucky" (as someone put it) and find "the one".  I don't even know what to tell myself anymore, other than that I am banned from drinking alone on an empty stomach...(SORRY MONA!)

I'm the first to know that nothing changes unless you do something differently, and while I feel like I'm always trying (trying to meet someone, trying to be happy with who I am, trying to be better), I never feel any different.  I'm told that it's nothing I'm doing wrong, but I can't help but think that I'm not doing something "right" either.  I've had brief reprieves where I *think* I've accepted where I am at... and then something hits me and I wonder if I really will be Crazy Aunt Jenny.  Mostly, I am just angry with myself for not being able to just be happy content.  Because at the heart of it, I have nothing to be upset about.  It's ok to not get married, there are thorns on those roses too.

I sometimes shock myself by thinking that I was living in Holland last year.  It's mind-boggling, how a year away can just become part of the background noise of my life.  Did I appreciate it enough?  Did I get enough out of it?  Did I learn or change?  I can say I think I'm a bit more of a loner, and I'm very acutely aware of how few close friends I have in Seattle.  And I'm now thinking that my being known at bars is more sad than cool...I feel like I'm starting over again .  Rebuilding, analyzing, and being far too introspective.  Hoping to not run into my ex or anyone he knows, because I don't want to hear about him and be asked "what about my relationship status is" (yes, that happened...it sucked).

My New Year's resolutions were an attempt to shake up the system a little, to make the time for the things that make me happy, and do a little less of the unhealthy things.  I can't say I've been perfect at any of them.  And surprisingly, what I was worst at was April's attempt at going dancing.  But May seems to be a little easier with the bringing lunch to work (though I have been eating out, it's not on my dime... so I'm getting at the spirit of saving the money at least).  And I have learned that with golf lessons to NOT date the instructor :).  What I'm getting out of this experiment is that we never really change, and we easily fall back into our ruts.

All that to say, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for cutting out when I'm the only single person in a group of couples, I'm sorry for my bitter responses that can kill conversations, and I'm sorry that I can't seem to figure this part of life out.  I appreciate all the patience and love, and I just hope that sooner rather than later I can return to feeling happy and carefree about where I am in life.  I mean, the Sex and the City ladies didn't find their men until their mid-to-late 30s...right?

Last Days...

Greetings from Holland

Do you ever realize how fast time flies?  Well 6 months living in Rotterdam flew.  Of course, it may have been due to all the traveling I squeezed in there or that 6 months is not enough time to get established, or scratch that, you JUST get established to leave. :(

If I had it all to do over again, I would have not traveled the last month I was in the country, I wanted to spend more time with the friend's I made and see the people in the office who so openly accepted me, and knowing some I may never see again.  I don't know the frequency I'll get back, as there are so many places in the world left to see and so few vacation days...but knowing me, I'll make the time - but likely never 6 months again...

The daily walk to work

My last week back in Rotterdam (between the UK and then a week in Belgium for one final audit) was a
quick one, I finally received my permanent resident visa.  Yeah, great timing, right before I left.  See the US isn't the only nutso one.  I tried to soak in every step of the walk I took to and from work every day, have drinks with people, pack up all my sh*t, and transport at least 1 load up to Amsterdam to wait for me to leave leave (see I'd planned
to move out of my apartment on the 29th of September...and leave my excess bags at my friend's in Amsterdam while I was in Belgium, and then in Italy).  I got to see a friend who was traveling to Europe right before he moved to NYC.  And of course, I had a night out with "my" boys at "my" bar.
Just a few pics to show the final moments in Rotterdam...

The naked statue outside work...

Holland - where you can order Dominoes, a beer, and Poffertjes

One last sunny day in Amsterdam...

Oh the rain...and WIND

My office mates - Menno and Xavi

One of my adorable Cafe Pol bartenders

Blogs Percolating

Goodness, I'm behind as always - and even with my writing goal for this month, I've seriously been procrastinating.  I've got multiple blogs in the percolator, and better get to them before the my life hits me with more adventures.

Here's a look at what's to come (click a picture to go to the post):

The year I will turn 32...

I remember when I was younger and my parents always talked about "how fast the year goes".  I guess I'm getting old too because the years are going at light speed (or is it the speed of light?).  And as I always seem to do, I think again about my new years goals and resolutions (I know, you're thinking, why don't you resolve to finish your blog??).

But I've realized at this point in life I'm not really going to change.  I want to be a better version of myself, but I know me, I get side tracked pretty easy.  I could say I'd resolve to be less busy, but that really isn't me, I'm a busy person and I'm happy with that.  And I could resolve to work out more, eat better, spend less... but those are so ambiguous and let's be honest, I'll do it for a month like everyone else and then it will f...a.....d........e.

So instead, I've decided to make monthly resolutions.  I figure I can put in the effort and focus for a month at least.  And who knows, after a month, maybe something will stick?

Without further ado... here they are, so the internets can keep me honest (or at least when I look back next year I'll remember what I didn't do :-) ).

January - Go to yoga 2 times per week (already off to a good start, went tonight ;))
February - Write for 2 hours a week (and thus finish my European adventures...) - and this should be made easier, since I plan on giving up TV for lent.
March - Finish all the books I have started, but left by the wayside.  And then donate said books, because obviously, they weren't my favorites.

• Anna Karenina (I've been reading this since 2003)
• Buried in the Sky
• Bite Me
• The Bourne Identity
• Unfamiliar Fishes

April - Go swing dancing 1 time per week
May - Take lunch to work 4 days per week
June - Take golf lessons - and go hit balls 1 time per week
July - Take a painting class or 2

August - Buy no non-essentials (and for the purpose of this exercise, that includes clothes :))

September - Volunteer 4 times

October - Go running 3 times per week for 45 min

November - Learn to cross-country ski

December -  Trust me, these seem easy, but seriously, I never do them!!

1. See the Christmas ships
2. Be done with shopping by Dec 13
3. Be done decorating by Dec 6
4. Mail Christmas cards
5. Make Christmas cookies

Don't worry, I put all of these on flash cards for my fridge.  And of course, because I'm a lefty I have marker smudges all over my hands and the cards :).  What about you, did YOU make any fun or unusual resolutions this year??

Happy 2014 Y'all!