If there is anyone that still gets notifications about this blog, I'm sure you thought it was dead. And for all intents and purposes, it is. But I like closure, so I thought I would at least do that.
If you have been following this blog, or if you know me, you would know that the last 3 years have been really rough. And 2016 even more so (though not for the same reasons the rest of the US hates it...). My homecoming to Portland was great, but was filled with new dynamics and balancing acts of friend life and alone time. I was also blessed to be able to reconnect with people I did not keep in close contact with during my absence. My job on the other hand, was not fulfilling and lead to an excessive amount of anxiety. The morning in July where I sat in my car having a panic attack was my breaking point. I reached out to my employee assistance and learned that I have both depression and anxiety. For me, this put the past 3 years into a much clearer picture. I held off on medication, but eventually took the plunge - and I have to say, it's been a good ride. I don't feel myself spinning as much, and I have not had any horrible side effects.
Being miserable at work also had the plus side of driving me to seek counseling in my career and what would fit best for me - spoiler alert it is not in Compliance. Things were so-so through year end, I focused on decorating my apartment (creative me getting to play!), planning a party, the holidays and with time off before the New Year. After which, it became crystal clear how sick and tired work was making me. 2017 was to be the year for action.
And then the snows came :) but it provided an opportunity for a deep conversation with my friend Matt and an introduction to finding my name and identity from God (this amazing speaker, Jamie Winship put everything I knew about God, into a way that made more sense than any way I'd ever been taught before). And from that point, my life has truly been transformed. I tried so hard to seek any way possible to figure life out and to be relieved from my anxiety. But it was God all along, I just had to come to a point of complete surrender and to be in a place to hear what He had to say to me.
Nothing is perfect now, and I still have moments of anxiety about work. But I KNOW that anxiety and depression are not what define me. In knowing my identity, I have peace and joy. I am relinquishing control and seeking to step out in faith with my next step in life. Heck, I've actually joined a women's Bible study - something I haven't done since maybe 2007?
So in faith, I am seeking to take that next step in life. I'll probably always find something to do with accounting, but I want to have the opportunity to use the creative talents I've been given and to pour out the joy I have to others. And with that, I need to take on a new identity in my blog, because, it's not 'just me' anymore. I have a deep relationship with my Creator and have been blessed with the best fur baby I could ask for. I would not trade any of the pain I went through to finally get to this point. I will plan to write more, but the blog has yet to be created. I am excited to explore life and to MOVE from this place out into the world and into my life as it was meant to be lived.
Thanks for reading ~ Natalie
