Tonight, as I was driving on the dreaded Seattle-Portland slog, I finished my audiobook and was forced to be alone with my thoughts. This drive always brings that out - miles and miles of solitude. I've avoided it for a long time, never knowing what my brain would conjure up.
Tonight my thoughts turned to the conversation I'd had with Jackie earlier, about my strong defense over my Beavers. There are only 2 things that will do that to me, my family and my Beavers. Make fun of or question my alligiance to either, particularly when first meeting me, and you will have removed yourself from me further than the grand canyon is wide. Even now I can feel my defenses going up, my heart rate rising, my bristles coming out. I'm like a momma bear who is growling at the person who looked at my cub wrong.
I began to think that this was slightly unnatural. I mean, I didn't go to Oregon State, why do I get so defensive? I thought about how far back my memories go...all the way back to when I was an ugly little girl (and I say that mostly because what I remember people telling me about is how funny I looked in my big glasses...like it was something I could control at the age of 3, but I digress). I remember playing on the basketball court with my cousin, sitting at the football games being entertained by the helmet races on the screen, collecting bottles after the games, having dinner with the family, traveling to bowl games. And as I was driving and thinking, it clicked.
My team is the only true connection I have to my family. The only part of me left that I share with them, the only honest part of me they see. I can't share the rest of me, so this is the only thing left. The only thing we have in common, what we talk about on the phone, the only reason I come back for more than holidays. It's sad really, but I suppose it's true. And I guess the real reason I get so defensive, is because it seems like people are trying to sever that last thread, cutting me off from my family completely. The last piece holding me off from becoming an orphan...
So the next time I seem to get overly Beaver crazy, part is because of my loyalty, but the other part is because I still want some connection to my parents, I guess I'm not ready to give up that last thread of hope that I have a family that I can feel a part of...
