Monday, April 19, 2010

Edward or Jacob?

To begin with, I apologize for neglecting my blog.  Work has become... nothing short of a pain, and staying around late to write a blog hasn't been top on my priority list (plus, the locations I've been working at blocked my blog... as something like "obscene/tasteless" ;-)).

And now, I've got something on my mind, and a little down time, so I guess I'll share.  Plus, writing helps me process things (that and getting sufficient sleep).  One way or another, people are going to be unhappy with my decision, but I gotta be me, right?  I mean, if I'm not happy, I am definitely a pain in the ass to be around.

You're probably thinking, what the pho are you talking about Natalie?  Get to it!  Ok ok, so I've been debating my living situation.  Portland is calling, and my heart flutters at the thought of it.  But I've started to put down roots in Seattle, I have a great friend base and great coworkers, I like my living situation (ummm I love living downtown in the heart of all the action), and I haven't yet been pulled over for having Oregon plates, yet.

The best way I can describe my feelings, and thus the impossibly difficult decision, is to compare them to Twilight.  I know, I'm a total Vamp dork, but analogies help my lil' logical mind wrap my head around the situation.
On one hand there's Portland - which is totally my Edward.  Edward has my heart.  I feel like I was ripped from his hands (not by choice but by circumstances "out" of my control), and when I'm around my family there or things are bad here, I think of him.  And trust me, this is often.  The pain has subsided (or at least been masked a little), and I don't cry every time I leave Portland, but still, I could if I let myself.  And the other week, as I was sitting with my girlfriends at the Tegan & Sara concert, I felt truly at home and peaceful, I knew I belonged to Edward.  Like we were meant for each other.  Edward definitely makes me grow up a little, I feel like I will be settled with him.  But am I ready to be settled?!?

And then there's Seattle - definitely Jacob :).  Irresistible.  Hard to turn down.  Heated and dangerous (see the numerous girls night picts from fb).  But on days like today, he's just a total brat (namely because of the j-o-b).  Jacob's the fun one.  The one I go out with late at night to tear up the town.  The one who's encouraged me to get out, make friends, move on from Edward.  He's been great.  I've grown to love him.  But I think he knows, he'll always play 2nd fiddle to Edward.

So, where does that leave me?  I don't want to give Jacob up, but I desperately want to be with Edward.  Can I have both?  And if I have a baby, will Jacob fall for her?;-)  Is it just cuz I've been in a place for 2 years and I'm antsy?  Sigh, if only I knew the answer...I know, that's part of the journey and just a part of life.  I'm kinda waiting for it to hit me across the head (and no wife, just cuz you hit me, does not mean I'll choose Jacob).  

What it really comes down to is time. I'm not in a rush, and Portland won't be falling into the ocean like California will, so I should be good.  At least, I hope Rocky's song isn't true... I guess that's what I've been thinking lately.  I'll keep you posted.  ~NattyJo